This interview is with Firefightrix
She is a musical, knitting firefighter who I recognized as a kindred spirit when I noticed from her fetlife profile that she was a fellow “resident of Vatican City.” She’s been married more than 15 years to her husband Robbie, who is her submissive. For the past 6 years they have lived as a polyfidelitous triad with r-mpet.
- How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?
I am an eccentric 40 year old woman. I consider myself to be gender queer. I am not androgynous so much as I am prone to extremes in both directions. I work in a male dominated blue collar field, am muscular, have my head shaved and rarely wear make up; however, when I do wear make up, I am also likely to be wearing very high heels and a wig (of which I have every color of the rainbow and some that aren’t even in that spectrum). I am bisexual, sadistic, and my favorite fantasies center around non-consent. I am dominant. Occasionally, I will want my submissive to dominate me. However, I usually provide him with a very specific set of things that I want him to do to me and will often give instructions to him mid-scene or even reverse roles on him if the mood strikes. So I am not really sure if it counts as a Power Exchange at all when I bottom. An acquaintance calls it Bottoming from the Top.
- How did you discover your power exchange preference?
I have had fantasies involving non-consensual sex and sex slavery since as long as I could remember. My fantasies as a child were always male-dominant/female submissive. Because of this I believed throughout my teen’s and early 20′s that I desired the submissive role. I rarely if ever acted out these fantasies with my various lovers and never
satisfactorily when I did. “Sub space” eluded me (even though I didn’t know what that was at the time).
In hindsight, I believe that the male-dominant/female submissive fantasies I had as a child were really a way of exerting power over my mother, who figured prominently as the abused and tortured female in my fantasy world. I was sexually and physically abused by my mother and I think that my sexual fantasies had more to do with someone controlling her, than with any female submissive leanings.
When I met the man who is now my husband, he had submissive experience with an abusive dominant woman. We spoke often of the things that had been done to him and I grieved that he had such a heartbreaking terrible experience. One day, I went to great lengths planning and executing a romantic evening where I dominated him to help him heal some of the emotional scars from his previous relationship. The irony is I wanted to do this for him. I had no idea how much I would love it. He was (and is) the perfect submissive (at least in the bedroom :))
He easily and eagerly gives up control. Whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, however I wanted, it didn’t matter. It was all joy to him. I found his gift of submission freeing. Due to my incest issues, sex had always been difficult for me. Knowing that I was in control of everything completely changed everything. It was as if I had been reborn.
- Tell me what it is about chastity/domination/sadism that appeals to you.
This is an exceedingly difficult question to answer for me. I have very visceral responses to torture and control. When I first began this journey, pain was just another way my lover could prove to me that I was in control. Now, it is so tied up with my on switch that it is difficult to think about coherently. I am still only a sexual sadist though, so I haven’t totally lost my mind.
- Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?
I have a difficult time with “feminism”. My mother (abuser) was a self-avowed feminist and so, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
- Coping with the effects of your mom’s abuse must have been a difficult process. Can you share a little about that?
Yes, a difficult and constantly ongoing process. I was abused by both my mother and my foster brother. (My foster brother was also abused by my mother). The effects of incest are far reaching and the emotional damage is difficult to heal. I have utilized therapists through out my life, and I strongly recommend it to any survivor of incest. In my early 20′s, I stumbled into a Survivors of Incest Anonymous group and it saved my life. SIA has a very informative website I recommend that any survivors of incest or childhood sexual abuse find a group, either online or in person.
And remember, you are not alone.
- The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?
I started out in my teenage years in the “punk” movement of the early eighties. I spent a good deal of effort cultivating a poor cultural image of myself. Then, I decided that I was a lesbian and lived that lifestyle for several years. Yet again enjoying a certain amount of social alienation. These days I am probably more culturally acceptable than I have ever been, so I have a skewed perspective on this.
- You’ve been involved in a community of like-minded people, locally and online, how was/is that experience for you?
I was involved in a local community of BDSM’ers about 10 years ago. I found that I created a persona and playacted her while I was in the group. I cultivated the leather dominatrix image and enjoyed the flock of submissives that would beg to fall at my feet. And then, I would use it to feed my insecurities. The people who “liked” me, only liked the image of me; not the real me that I had successfully kept them from knowing at all. After a year or two, I distanced myself from all groups. Recently, I have begun to get involved with like-minded people both locally and on-line. This time I am resolved to present myself genuinely and avoid all the self-induced psychodrama I put myself
through last time. So far, so good.
- Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you, does it turn you on?
Not even a little bit. I am often dominant in my work setting because the job calls for it. It is just part of the job and is always secondary to the task at hand.
- There is a theory that we all have an innate preference for affection expressed in ways which are called Love Languages. Which of the love languages would say you prefer?
This is the easiest (and most educational) question you have asked. My preferred love languages are physical touch and quality time, in that order. And even quality time is negotiable! lol! I frequently say. “Are you listening to me?” to my husband because he will tune me out or get distracted by his own thoughts. I find it humorous instead of upsetting. What I do appreciate is that when I ask for his attention, he always gives it to me, and he too seems to want to be in constant physical contact.