Interview # 23

My next interview is with Kitty Stryker. Kitty is a Tumblr, and a Tweeter, and a contributor to Good Vibrations Magazine. She is very involved in making sure people understand consent and understand why it is important. She is very busy and important so I am just delighted that she agreed to do this interview.

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•  How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power-exchange preference?

I’m a queer Dominant woman who likes to be called Sir while wearing high femme fashion. While I enjoy a bit of sadism as much as the next kinkster, I prefer service submission and psychological surrender more than fancy toys and rope techniques. I particularly like blending politics with my kinky sex- forced feminism is a new taste on my palette and I’m finding it enjoyable! Roleplay is kind of my speciality, from clown sex to dominant little girl to femme Batman.

While I prefer the company and sexual energy of other women more (and enjoy the entitlement of many men less), I have a male submissive and fiance who serves me as my valet-in-training, Daddy slave, puppy and little boy. I also have a lovely girlfriend. Lucky me!

• How and when did you discover your power exchange preference?

I originally thought I was, not just a submissive, but a slave(!). I studied hard on how to be the best at service I could be, trained myself on various techniques and positions, and cursed the fact that the male Dominants in my life seemed overly focused on cocksucking rather than training me to be the best slave I thought I could be. I tried switching for a while, but still felt like I was being conned into being a free sex worker instead of an honored submissive.

Disenchanted, I moved to London in 2007, where I had a fresh start and began being more Dominant in my play. I realized very quickly that my tendencies were on the Dominant side all along, and that no amount of shoving my top energy into a bottom shaped hole was going to make that change. Now, I enjoy training submissives in service, rather than being trained!

•  If you compare your first sexual experiences to sex now, what is the biggest difference?

 

I don’t see sex as a right anymore, something I can demand or that can be demanded of me. It’s certainly more about clear negotiation and consent than it was when I was starting out- and I’m a lot less likely to take any bullshit from a sexual partner!

 

• In terms of taking charge sexually, what’s the most important thing you’ve learned?

You will fuck up. You will probably cross a boundary and not know or realize, no matter how much you both try to be good about consent (consent can be coerced through social pressures too). Be humble about it, not defensive- that’s what makes you a Domme with grace and respect, rather than an asshat. 

• Tell me what it is about domination/sadism that appeals to you.

As much as I rebel against it, I am a bit of a mother/destroyer type. I like to take care of people, but I like to help them on their path of enlightenment, help them discover new pieces of themselves. Sometimes that’s about stripping their ego away to expose the raw materials. Sometimes that’s about encouragement and confidence building. I suppose on some level I have a bit of a Pygmalion complex- I like to mold people, and as a Domme I can do that. 

I also desperately love to play with a submissive I can destroy and then put back together. There’s something amazing about the energy when you break someone down past their defenses and privileges into something tender and sweet.

•  I’m a sucker for a love story. Tell us about you and your fiance?

We met at a femdom night in London- his boss (the editor of the now-defunct Filament) dragged him along, and my friend was the House Mistress and invited me along. He was wearing a waistcoat, pink ascot and bunny ears- I was wearing a red cotton rocket suit from a Burning Man art project. We gravitated towards each other as the most interestingly dressed people in the room. Soon after, we had a first date that kept going for hours… and that began our relationship! We just knew we were right for each other. We’ve had many adventures since, from muzzling in a graveyard to pissplay on a picnic to diapered dapper dinners- I love that he’s willing to give my whims a go, and I still feel a little giddy when I see him trussed up and whimpering.

• Would you say your kink is something that you do, or part of who you are?

I would say being dominant is part of who I am- manifesting that in kink is something I do. As my kinks are less about the physical and more about the emotional/mental, I feel like my desire for control would find a way, in or out of perv sex!

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

Inherently? No, I don’t think that a femdom is necessarily a feminist. There can be consent issues, slut-shaming, body fascism, racist fetishization and other expressions of privilege within femdom as within any type of sex. As feminism typically covers the idea of moving away from oppression and power imbalance, I think it can take some mental gymnastics to figure out how you can enjoy a power imbalance and still fight institutionalized oppression, especially if your desires extend beyond bedroom antics.

Personally, I like to employ techniques that empower my submissives to better themselves and increase their self-esteem. I also like to talk about and submit my boy’s body to the objectifying female gaze, thus acknowledging the male body as something that can be eroticized and sexualized as well. I feel that you can use femdom as an implement to explore feminist issues, but you have to choose to do that, I think.

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive, and doing so professionally makes that even more complex. How has that affected you?

My first impression of a dominatrix was Doris the Dominatrix from Eating Raoul. I’m kind of glad, because she saw it as a lark, and was a mum raising a kid quite cheerfully. It allowed me to see kinky people (particularly women) as rounded individuals who had lives outside of latex and primping. It made it less scary.

But yes, many of the women who are pegged as dominant women in media are slender, white, cold-hearted, heterosexual (and yet asexual at the same time), severe women. I wonder if I shied away from being a Domme first because I was unsure I could make the cut- being a fat girl, being queer, being sexual.

As someone who also does BDSM professionally, I find that it’s less the media’s depiction of Dominant women that impacts me, and more how the media depicts women generally. In the US, I have to struggle to get bookings, because society dictates that clients will want that “idealized”, patriarchal, capitalist model of femdom (and women in general). In the UK, where I can find sexy clothes that fit my body at most shops on the high street, I could be myself, and that was appealing to people. I find that disparity fascinating (if a bit disheartening).

• You are very active in the community, and advocate quite bit. Maymay and Kink in Exile have written about how exhausting and disenchanting activism can be. Do you struggle with at all with those feelings?

 

Sure. I think it’s almost impossible not to want to throw in the towel sometimes. I work hard to take care of myself so I don’t burn out, and even then it doesn’t always work! Working on Consent Culture has been a lesson in how putting your neck out can be a hazard- my libido has certainly suffered in the aftermath.

But it ends up being worth it when a local play space starts to hold consent workshops for event hosts regularly, or when someone tells you that they felt safe coming out against their abuser. I care too much about changing things to walk away now- it feels like a responsibility.

I’m trying to get better at balancing, and being ok with shutting my brain off sometimes. It’s ok to not analyze everything all the time. And martyrdom doesn’t suit me.

 

• Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?

 

Often, yes. I enjoy being a benevolent dictator in non-sexual spaces. But it’s also important for there to be balance, I find- if I’m in charge all the time, it can feel like I can never relax! It can be nice to take a back seat once in a while.

 

• There is a theory that we all have an innate preference for affection expressed in 1 or 2 of  5 ways which are called Love Languages. Which love language  would you say you prefer?

 

Acts of Service is my primary love language, closely followed by Quality Time.

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There she is and I am so glad she took the time to answer my questions. If you haven’t ever read Kitty’s blog— you should!

Interview # 22

My next interview is with  Either End of the Leash. She is in her second year of university and her third year of BDSM. She switches with her boyfriend about whom she told me,

 I just feel lucky that I’ve found someone that I really like, where we’ve created an open, trusting relationship that we can explore our kinks in and not be judged or limited.

• How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

I’m a queer, sex-positive feminist, and I would say that my sexual tastes and preferences reflect this to some degree. I have a very high sex drive, and sex is very important to my intimate romantic relationships; I need to have a lot of it, it needs to be good, and it needs to be kinky. I’m a switch, so I might be on either side of the power exchange, depending on the person or persons I’m having sex with at the time. Generally, I submit to my current partner and am considered hir “alpha sub”, but I definitely have a very strong Dominant streak of my own that likes to come out and play for anywhere from a session to weeks at a time.

• How did you begin to explore domination?

Although I have had experience with Kink for about three and a half years, I only started exploring my Domme side about eight months ago because I was sleeping with someone who was also a switch. Ze allowed me to explore this side of myself during a couple of sessions, and that was when I realized that I really enjoyed it and wanted it. I’m still a little hesitant to Domme because of my limited experience and because my partner has some baggage related to a former Domme, but I love doing it.

• Tell me what it is about domination that appeals to you.

What about domination doesn’t appeal to me might have a shorter answer. In all seriousness, it’s a lot of things. First and foremost, I love the combination of power and protection I have over the person submitting to me. As a Domme, I feel a strong desire to protect and care for my sub and not just revel in my control over hir, and that comes out a lot. I also love that what I see in a sub is a reflection of what I would probably be doing if I were in that position. Having the power a Domme has over a sub is exhilirating, and that alone tends to get me aroused pretty early into a scene. I definitely enjoy being able to demand things solely for my own pleasure and without apology, knowing that I am entitled to that treatment (as long as I remain a caring and attentive Domme adhering to SSC).

• Describe your ideal partner, and your ideal relationship?

The most important thing to have with any partner and relationship is a great deal of love, trust, and mutual respect. In this respect, I guess I am kind of in my ideal relationship at the moment, and I definitely have my ideal partner. I want someone that I can switch with and to be in a relationship where both of us feel comfortable being on either side of the switch. My partner has some issues from being abused by hir former Domme, so ze isn’t really in a place to sub for longer than a couple of weeks and is easily triggered by certain things or behaviors, and this is something I would like to change both for hir personal happiness and for an ideal relationship. It has been pretty difficult to find someone that is as kinky and cheerfully willing to try as much in the bedroom as I am, and finding someone like that has been incredibly fantastic and so fun and satisfying. Finding someone I mesh with both intellectually and sexually has been one of the best things to happen to me as an adult.

• Would you say domination is something that is part of one relationship, or something that is part of you? If, in some other reality, that relationship ended, do you you see yourself in another relationship involving it?

While I had not explored domination in previous relationships, I would say that having the ability to experience and express it has opened a door that will not be shut easily. At this point, I don’t think I could ever be a submissive or slave to someone without being able to switch or have my own pet and be a Domme because I would feel unsatisfied. There would definitely be something significant missing from my sex life. I would like to continue being in relationships that involve Kink, but I would have to make it clear to my partner that I need to experience both sides of the spectrum, either with him or with another partner that was my Dom(me) or pet, whichever aspect is missing.

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

There’s definitely connections between feminism and femdom. The obvious one is that the female is the one wielding power in femdom, especially so in a heterosexual scene. Beyond that, a Domme is exercising her right to express her sexuality however she damn well pleases. Any woman engaging in BDSM had better be a feminist, because without that core  freedom to express and experience sexuality however she wishes, that woman would not be able to exercise her kinky sexuality. A Domme is simply the most obvious and straightforward example of this because she is taking a forceful, powerful role in sex and demanding pleasure for herself unapologetically.

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

It’s definitely made it a little more difficult for me to be comfortable with this side of my sexuality, but that’s not any different than my struggle to be comfortable with my sexuality as a whole in a society that views BDSM, the queer community, and promiscuous women as deviant and unacceptable. I’m starting to learn how to be cheerfully radical and deviant and not give a damn, but it’s a work-in-progress.

• Are you involved in a community of like-minded people [locally, online, etc]?  If so, how is that experience for you? If not, have you avoided it purposefully?

I have a FetLife and a kinky Tumblr, but I hardly use the former and pretty anonymously use the latter. I would like to be more involved in the Kink community, but I am uncomfortable with the idea of showing up alone and haven’t had the opportunity to go with my partner or with friends, although I really hope to in the future.

• Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?

When I don’t know anyone I’m with or when I’m actually at my fantastic minimum-wage job, I tend to be pretty shy and quiet, but that is really the only situation. In classrooms or settings where I know at least one other person, I am simply a naturally dominant person and it has nothing to do with my sexuality. I don’t feel energized or sexually charged by it (in fact I quite often feel the opposite), but my character is just fairly dominant and somewhat aggressive as long as I have something like intellectual discussion or a familiar person to help me get over my initial shyness.

• Which of the love languages would you say you prefer?

When it comes to things that I personally do, I prefer to give Acts of Service and Physical Touch because I like to do things that will allow me to care for the person I love and to comfort and protect them. I find this meaningful and also much easier for me to do than express myself with language. Funnily enough, I would rather recieve Words of Affirmation and and a tie between Quality Time and Physical Touch. I don’t have any interest in things being done for me because I don’t feel right in that situation, but I do really need someone who will prove that they are attentive to me and appreciate and love me.

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If you have any questions, ask them in the comment section.

Many thanks for a great interview!

Interview # 21

My next interviewee is Faile. She is a blogger and you can read her writing, fiction and nonfiction on the blog she shares with Perrin entitled, Changing Views.  Faile started out as a submissive but has realized she has a dominant side as well. Here are her answers…

• How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

In short I’m geeky, kinky and poly. I’m technically minded and have always felt more comfortable socially around men than women. In some ways I’m incredibly conservative sexually and have until recently restricted such activities to a relatively few people. On the other hand I have had kinky fantasies since a young age and enjoy a wide range of sexual activities.
I’ve been submissive since childhood. My dominant side is a recent discovery but I hesitate to describe myself as switch because that implies a fluidity I don’t feel I possess.

• How did you discover you enjoyed taking the lead a bit and how did it affect your relationships?

I had been keen to meet people with whom I could discuss the D/s side of my life, and so arranged to have coffee with a fellow blogger and submissive who I was interested in talking to. I immediately felt some sort of sense of responsibility towards him and then when I threatened him in a flirtatious way I could tell he actually wanted me to carry out my threat and I realised I wanted that too. I had no idea that night where it would eventually lead.

• Would you share the highlights of your journey to being a dominant woman?

I’ve found I can really enjoy being in control and taking charge. I think as a submissive sex was often something I did for my partner, I’ve found how much fun it is when you’re doing it for yourself. I’ve discovered I enjoy hurting and fucking my boy, I’d never used a strap-on before and now I’m an addict. I will say though, that this is all part of an extremely loving relationship and our play is an expression of love on both sides. I feel that love when he surrenders his body to me but I also know he feels it when I use and hurt him. I’d felt the submissive side before but never understood the joy of the dominant side. I’ve finally found out just how amazing it is.

• Would you say being dominant is something that is part of one relationship, or something that is part of you? If, in some other reality, your relationship changed, do you you see yourself in another relationship in which you are dominant?

For me each relationship has its own dynamics, for me and my boy, I am his Domme but also his lover and his girlfriend. With my husband I am wife and submissive. I don’t see my dominant side as something external though, it is not ‘put on’ for my boy it is just that he is the person with whom I can give it expression.
In another reality, without him, I’d see myself as missing this part of me intensely. Because my dominant side is so closely associated with my relationship though it’s currently hard to visualise owning or playing with another submissive.

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

I think there is a connection in that the rise of feminism has led to femdom becoming more publicly visible. I think the image of early feminists was often that they had extremely negative views towards men and femdom continues to portray women with that image.

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

I have a strong aversion to the standard femdom image that is often portrayed of a woman who genuinely sees men as the enemy to be destroyed. I dislike the thought that people might see me that way. I see male submissiveness as an incredibly strong and brave trait (especially given society’s views) and dislike seeing them put down in any way.

• Are you part of a kink community online or in real life?

For many years my kink was entirely hidden and I felt very lonely. It was easy to imagine that I was the only person who had these fantasies. My blog was an attempt to counter that, a way to find other people, and feel slightly less alone. As a result of that exploring including twitter and fetlife, I’ve started to meet a few people in the local kink community as well.

• Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?

I can’t imagine I am generally perceived as dominant anywhere. I tend to view myself as the cooperative type, trying to encourage the team rather than leading from the front. I think if I find myself being dominant elsewhere I really enjoy it but I don’t enjoy (and can’t be bothered with) the power struggle required to get there.

• There is a theory that we all have an innate preference for affection expressed in 1 or 2 of the following  5 ways which are called love languages. Which of the love languages would say you prefer?

Physical Touch is definitely hugely important to me. I need to touch and be touched. Snuggling close to someone is simply wonderful.
Acts of Service probably comes second. I really appreciate it when someone makes my life easier. Ironically I sometimes struggle to accept help but it means an immense amount when it is offered or even insisted upon.

Interview # 20

Precious is my next interviewee. I so love her Tumblr. She started off thinking she was submissive but with exploration she discovered her dominant side and has been enjoying the confidence that discovery has given her.

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• How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

I usually describe myself as a mix of crippling self doubt and bare-faced cheek!! My sexual tastes jump all over the place. I don’t generally go for the guys that other girls go for. A lot of people will look at someone in a movie and there’ll be a group of girls drooling, I’m usually the one saying I can’t see it myself. I find ‘generic looking’ men a turn off.

It’s been a learning journey for me. I always hated the journey cliche but it really is! No other way to describe it where it moves along like it does. I refuse to put myself in a box or be made to have ‘a type’. I like the idea of someone strong that I have control over. I love being able to ‘overpower’ someone who physically could take me down any time they liked. My sexuals tastes, are very much led by reactions, facial expressions. I like minimum body hair, a good smile, someone I can engage with. I am super fussy for noses, I can fall in love with a nose (I have done), I like elbows, freckles, eyelashes.

I like someone who is intelligent, someone I can mentally spar with and then BAM I have him. The expression on his face when he realises I’ve led him into his own trap is wonderful. I like my power exchange to be just that: an exchange. Not someone who rolls over and gives in every time. I’m caring. I don’t just hurt for the hell of it or punish because it’s what I read in a story once.

I can’t do that whole ‘slut is doing this, slut is doing that’ thing. That’s why I use pup as a name, rather than a description. It works for some, and that’s cool, I’m a firm believer in live and let live. But it’s not for me. I’m very fond of my pup who likes and needs both my harsh and sometimes mean words during a session to spice it up but who knows that they are just for that, and just as important is ‘dressing gown time’ and the reassurance, love, praise and looking after. I love gay porn, it’s probably what I watch the most.

• How did you discover your power exchange preference?

I think the first childhood feelings of annoying the boys until they found me a pain they liked to have around. Then later, playfully pinning a guy down. Surprising a guy, even something like burping, being able to do boy things, language people don’t expect, knowledge about things they don’t expect. Flipping from the innocent look to the deviant inside. I spent a long time identifying with being a bottom, slightly subbie. It’s not been until very recently in my life that I have discovered this other side of me. The first real place I felt at home was online (fetlife). It was there I learned about the different dynamics and it was there I met Pup.

• Compare your early sexual experiences to your experiences now. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned?

I haven’t had sex with that many people. The first ones I’ve realised now were empty. I have pushed people into more kinky things, without really knowing why or what I wanted.. Originally i thought I was wrong in some way, and yet I didn’t care. Taboos excited me. Surprising people excited me. The experiences don’t really compare. They are so different. I didn’t realise I liked oral even. I disliked it for a long time. Now, when done in the right way by the right person, I can’t get enough of it.I think the most important things I’ve learned is that there is a kink for everybody and that the mind is probably the biggest sex organ.

• Tell me what it is about orgasm denial/domination/sadism that appeals to you.

At first it was sadism. The taboo. The delicious tingle that shot through me from seeing someone being in sexual pain, or me being in that situation. Then I realised I could have that effect on someone myself, I could dominate someone. I’m not that strong in real life, physically. The thought that I can have total control over someone stronger than me is very compelling. There’s nothing quite like the feeling for me.

The denial is a later addition. I hadn’t really thought about it before. I enjoy the look in his eyes when he’s told no. The desperation, the drop of the shoulders. The intensity that comes with the feeling that I’m denying him and he LOVES me for it. I like him to ‘flip me the bird’. It gives me the same thrill as the boys in my teens calling me a bitch. I love to be a ‘first’. I like the thought that he will never forget me or the experiences I gave him. When he has to do a task that is a personal battle for him, that’s the best part for me.

• Would you say your kink is something that you do, or part of who you are? Could you do without it?

I couldn’t do without it, it’s definitely a part of me. The part of me that I own. I’ve owned few things that are mine. This is. No one can take this away from me. It’s a talent I realise I have, when I really don’t have that much I’m talented at. I’ve always been a flirt, able to wrap someone around my finger, now I’m able to push it further with a twist. It has given me a confidence in other areas of life that I lacked before.

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

I don’t believe there is a connection. I don’t profess to know much about feminism at all, but I’ve never seen it as a sexual thing. Yes, it’s about your ‘sex’ not holding you back, but I don’t believe it should be connected in any way to the sex of the bedroom kind.

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

It hasn’t affected me much at all. I’ve always done my own thing and preferred to see what a specific connection with a person develops into for me, rather than,’ I am this kind of domme so I want this kind of person’. heck, I never knew I *was* a domme! And I’ve only been able to become that since finding a sub. It’s symbiotic for me. I hate the word Dominatrix. I hate the view of the leather clad, mean looking, scowling, red lipped woman in fuck-me boots wielding a crop. I was reluctant to even get a crop because of the huge cliche attached to it.

There are people I know who bleat on and on about it, advertise the fact just to get a reaction from it, or think that just because they’ve been to torture garden once, and some guy asked to be their slave that they’re now a domme. I don’t get involved with all that, neither to broadcast about myself nor to give them my opinion of them. I’m not ashamed of what I do, I just don’t feel the need to broadcast it to the world. it works for some, but that’s not what I’m in this for. In fact, I’ve found more men to be excited by the thought of women taking control and women who say you go girl, but that may be the circles I mix in.

• You’ve been involved in the bdsm community online for quite a while, how is that experience for you?

I’ve not had any negative from it. I have been on fetlife since the beginning. I keep to myself and don’t snark or flame people, I have built up some great genuine friendships. I do find I have had to learn how to say no or ignore people and not be afraid that someone will be nasty to me about it. I don’t put my real place of residence on there as I don’t particularly want people local to find me. I sometimes feel uneasy with how large the community is getting, partly discovery and partly the fact that it feels mainstream and the secret community aspect is lost. I’ve not had any real hassle. But I do feel that if it weren’t for the internet, I would never be where I am today. When I logged on to that community, and then to Tumblr, I felt at home in a way I never had. It’s a place to research the kinks, see how they make you feel. Before, it was just porn. I have been able to leapfrog to things I never knew existed, let alone realised I would like them.

• Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?

It does. I work in a male orientated environment and I much prefer dealing with men than women. I’m a natural flirt anyway and always have been, which I do use to get things moving sometimes, even with people I’m not remotely interested in – as they say, flattery will get you everywhere – but, with the dominance, I find I have an underlying current of confidence that works even more effectively. It’s all I can do sometimes not to scream “hey! I cage a man’s penis on a regular basis, don’t fuck with me!”

• Which of the love languages would say you prefer?

Receiving gifts is definitely me. Not actual gifts, but the effort. A photograph of a task, a photo of something I might enjoy. Telling me when something has reminded a person of me. Words of affirmation – I hang on peoples comments about me, both negative and positive. I look at old texts and conversations and emails a lot, often reaffirming someone’s affection for me, sometimes checking if someone was being negative or if I’m just being sensitive. I am terrible for reading the worst in a message or reacting to no kiss being on the end and thinking it means I’m not loved anymore. Not very domme-ly but true!  Additionally, the physical touch – I am very tactile. I will sometimes just cup Pup’s face in my hands. Just because.

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If you have questions, ask them in the comment section!

Interview # 19

My next interview is with a woman who started out as a submissive but discovered her dominant nature and has been exploring it ever since. She has a blog that shares her journey and her thoughts.  Here is what she had to say in answer to my questions.

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• How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

I am energetic, some say quite charismatic, and vivacious. My sexual tastes are somewhat vanilla, I guess. I love to be in love, love the spiritual connection between my lover and myself. But I long to explore all of him, and all of me. Often I find myself thinking of the two of us with another woman, a submissive woman, who is tied down, and we are both penetrating. The idea of my submissive man lying on his back, tied down, unable to do anything but use his mouth, then having this submissive woman over him, also tied down, having her nipples sucked to near excruciating pain, while I screw her with my 10 inch strap on, exhilarates me to no end. I want to push everyone to their limits, to expand what they know and believe about themselves, and see what lies outside of their comfort zone, including me.

• You started out submitting and now you are dominant, tell us about that journey?

I’ve always been a strong personality, and spent many years seeking a man to make me feel loved, valued, and supported. What I attracted were controlling men who wanted to extinguish the flame that burns inside of me; the heat and fire that attracts people to me. Finding my lover, his strong sense of self attracted me. He’s brilliant and gentle, with no need to harm or control me. His encouragment led me to explore the powerful woman I am, thus leading to this larger-than-life dominant powerhouse, all wrapped up in my 4’11″ frame. Ball of fire, they call me. A little Firework!

• Compare your earlier experiences to sex now. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned?

Before my lover, I simply endured sex. Really not finding satisfaction with anyone but my own toys in private, I believed that the only good sex was masturbation. Finding a man who longs for, lives for, and begs to satiate my enormous sexual appetite has been liberating. Now I demand satisfaction and he become erect just at the idea of pleasing me.

• What is it about domination that appeals to you?

The responsibility. I know I’m strong, although I hate to admit it. People begin to rely on one who is strong, and expect far too much from them. But in my relationship with my lover, I enjoy caring for him, nurturing him, loving him and guiding him in his growth, as well as mine.

• Would you say your kink is something that you do, or part of who you are?

Kink is part of who I am. Watching a woman who’s tied down and get screwed by two men is thrilling for me, but only if she willingly consented to the act. I don’t want to see her raped; I want to see her abandon herself to the act of being deeply penetrated, and see her lose herself in the experience. When I anally penetrate my lover with my strap on and halfway through I feel my thighs becoming soaked with my own cum pouring from me, well I realize that’s kink. So I love it, without really thinking about why.

• Who is kinkier, you or your partner?

Certainly we have different ideas, but neither of us are more or less kinky than the other.

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

No, not really. I can’t really grasp one from my state of understanding.

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

I hate the words associated with a woman who loves sex. I needn’t repeat them; we all know them. I am very much a lady;  feminine, polite, gracious and elegant. That doesn’t mean I don’t absolutely love to cum. And cum repeatedly.

• Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?

Not really. It is very exhausting with anyone but my lover.

• There is a theory that we all have an innate preference for affection expressed in ways which are called love languages.  Which of the love languages would you say you prefer?

Certainly Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch.

• Are you involved in a community of like-minded people [locally, online, etc]?  If so, how is that experience for you? If not, have you avoided it purposefully?

No, and only because I’ve not encountered one that suits me.

• If you were going to create your ideal bdsm community, what would it be like?

One where there was no punishment. One where love overwhelmed and permeated the entire existence. Where we could nurture one another, hug and suckle, tenderly meet one another’s needs. I love passion, and am an avid fan of thrilling, passionate sex, but in all things, regard for the other person with love, tenderness and kindness.

Only kind words, only loving touches, only passionate kisses.

Euphoria to me, really.

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So there you have it!

I am interested in what more people think their ideal community would be like, whether online or a local group. If you have any thoughts about something that would be present or something that should be absent— do tell!

Interview # 18

My next interview is with a feminist, student, lapsed blogger, and kink advocate— Tess. She is the dominant half of a happy, young  d/s couple and I believe she will be my minister of sex ed when I rule the world.

• How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

I consider myself a feminist, student, and social observer. My sexual tastes are hugely varied when it comes to people. I can’t think of a gender I couldn’t find attractive in some fashion, whether it be “alpha” males who look so damn good on their knees, to the androgynous and transgendered, to deliciously curvy women. About the only thing I really dislike is douchebaggery in all its forms.

I’m definitely a dominant person, I’ve never found any appeal in the idea of submitting. In my partners I like a little spice so I have an opportunity to assert control in the bedroom. That dominance manifests in a variety of ways. I am the one in control whether I’m physically on top or not.

• How did you discover your power exchange preference?

I first developed an understanding of my preferences when I was 15 or 16. The internet is quite a wonderful resource for self-realisation. I spent a great deal of time trying fantasies out in online text roleplay. From there I went on to realise some of them (the more biologically viable) in casual partnerships and relationships up to, and including, my current one. It’s an ongoing journey.

• I enjoyed the little preview I got regarding your relationship with your boyfriend. Would you share your story?

I met my partner on an online videogame community forum. We were casual acquaintances for a while, then moderator partners bringing down the righteous banhammer. He came to my city to attend uni which is how we first met, and seven months later I jumped him. He became an invaluable support when I was dealing with some trauma left from sexual assault as a child. The man deserves a fucking medal for his strength and patience.

I’m the first sexual partner he’s had, and the first introduction to BDSM outside mild interest in porn. It’s quite the privilege, I can make everything go right for him that I wish had in my early experience.. We’ve developed a fantastic sexual knowledge of each other and ability to communicate which has made BDSM a whole world better than I ever imagined.

• Tell me what it is about domination that appeals to you.

Definitely the ability to tell my partner to rub me for hours on end and know he appreciates the privilege of his position. Jokes aside, I would say it’s the eroticism of having power over my partners erotic experience, the pleasures and pain they feel, how much and when. The trust that such a submission requires is exhilarating and remarkable. Being able to play my partner’s sensations like an instrument is both erotic and fun, and the tesion of deciding what the next touch will be is delightful.

• Would you say your kink is something that you do, or part of who you are?

Both. I cannot divorce my sexuality from my identity, nor would I want to. I cannot separate my bedroom power preference from how my partner ad I interract outside of it either. However, there are some things which I do in BDSM situations which I do not look upon as a part of my identity, such as slapping, scratching or choking my partner.

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

Not a direct one, no. There’s a definite connection between feminism and a deep understanding of powerplay, trust, and ones own sexual desire, and that awareness means that the display, the roleplay of power imbalance is fully understood by everyone involved and doesn’t reflect any kind of actual inequality. Perhaps the foremost thing is the complex understanding of consent which comes from both feminism and BDSM. I wish the wider culture could embrace that. I have seen feminist heterosexual relationships in which the female partner was the submissive one, and I have a huge amount of respect for that because, in my view anyway, it implies a really good understanding of ones sexuality and of feminism which ought to respect the freedom of individuals to submit consensually, even while it demands that the consent comes from a position of equality.

People who think that feminism implies male subjugation need to look up the definition of “gender equality” a little more often.

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

It has furthered my conviction that there’s something very wrong with our culture, and given me determination to change that. I do believe that there are a lot more women who would like to be dominant, but don’t know how to express that or are afraid to. A pity, I’d love to meet some more.

The flip side of that negative wrap, in the heterosexual anyway, also affects me. I would say that submissive men get a much worse deal than dominant women. If I were to hazard a guess,  it would be that is because dominant women are seen to be adopting the honoured masculine role, while submissive men take the supposedly weak, pathetic and devalued feminine role in submitting. We wind up with narratives and imagery of virginal ice queens disgusted by the desires of their feminised, dehumanised submissive men. Now, if you’re into that, go for it, but I dislike the notion that the feminine is inherently degrading, or that sub men are less valuable due to their submission which is what tends to come across in those narratives and the relative lack of much else in the cultural consciousness.

• What is your experience with the bdsm, etc. community, locally, online, etc?

Relatively minimal. I have kinky friends and I still talk to some of the people I used to dom online, but there isn’t really a scene where I live and while I have a fetlife account, it languishes unused. Perhaps the most official contact is the registration of my ownership of my partner on The Slave Registry.

• There is a theory that we all have an innate preference for affection expressed in 1 or 2 of the following 5 ways which are called Love Languages, which do you prefer?

Judging by the 4 tests I did to see what they were like, touching and quality time. I had some issues with the way the “wife” and “husband” tests were structured. The “husband” one included the line “I like having sex with my wife” while the closest for the “wife” was probably “I like that my husband can’t keep his hands off me.” Wonderful.

The languages themselves are an interesting concept, though perhaps a little too reductionist for my tastes. I think they can meld and combine in much more complex ways than that web page suggested.

• After I take over the world I may consider you as my minister of sexual ethics education. What do propose the curriculum should cover?

Not everything in the sex ed curriculum as it currently exists is awful. That is, as I have been taught by it in an Australian school where we learn about the wide range of contraception that exists, and look at STIs, and were introduced to some very awkward and contrived versions of the “no means no” approach to consent. Better than nothing, but that needs adding to.
First of all my curriculum would look at sexual difference, sexuality and the like. There is such an phenomenal range of human sexual experience that one could only cover a small amount but it’s important to acknowledge it, and that people gain an understanding of how large the range is. It does after all extend from procreation to pet play, none of which can be discounted if it’s done with awareness and consent. My experience of sex ed in this department was that there was Heterosexuality! and then some people were the ho-mo-sex-uals, and that there’s nothing wrong with that but they’re kind of funny and have an affinity for glitter. There also seemed to be no position other than missionary, the clitoris was a mysterious realm for lesbians and those filthy women who masturbated, and female ejaculation didn’t exist. Tying in with sexual differences is the whole variety of gender difference which goes unacknowledged. We have the male body as represented by a cut-away side view of the flaccid penis and the female body as represented by an alien-esque frontal dissection of the uterus. Not only do none of these show the variety of cis-gendered genitalia in all their glory, it doesn’t even begin to address the intersexed, the transgendered and the queer-gendered. A start in stopping the violence and horror with which our culture approaches queer genders could be made here.

Then that most complicated and often unbroached subject of ethics would come around. I really think this is something which is lacking in current sexual education and conversation. The prevailing attitude at the moment seems to be “Ladies, protect yourselves. Gents, protect yourselves from the law” which is not only an intensely sexist approach, it in no way encourages a deeper personal or cultural understanding of sex and communication within that context. Ethical sex demands communication, whatever form that might take, because we are not psychic creatures and as such cannot immediately expect to know exactly how to pleasure each other. One result of the current state is an attitude that foreplay is something one has to do before a woman will let you fuck her, and it’s just sad because it denies a lot of very fun sexual experience, especially for men.

After the variety of sex, or perhaps integrated with it, consent would be examined. The feminist movement has at least managed to get “no means no” into the cultural consciousness but that is only helpful in the context where someone can say no, and that one is listened to. There isn’t so much a discussion of how one expresses “Yes to that, in fact do more of it, but none of this please, and I don’t really want to try apples but a cucumber might work”. Negotiating consent is an essential skill which hinges on awareness of desires and enough confidence to assert oneself which is really problematic in a culture where young people especially use sex as a way to prop up self-esteem and don’t know how to think about or talk about their experience in terms of power and pleasure. That leads to rather a large amount of exploitation which could best be avoided.

I believe that education in what might be called the kink ethical approach would be very relevant for both of the above problems. That is, the way that kink relationships and interactions foreground trust and communication; where consent is explicitly discussed in terms of what to and how that might be removed if something goes wrong. This would help enormously to change the rape culture because it would clear up a lot of the grey area between consent and non-consent which currently exists and causes so many problems. Once the general community has an understanding of consent which is “Yes, and only yes in the various forms that it may be communicated, is yes” then it will be a much healthier one.

It would be essential that pornography be examined. The current debate around it seems to be divided between the All Porn Is Terrible camp and the No Porn Is Bad camp, which winds up failing to address the very real problems that a lot of pornography, and the porn industry have while also ignoring the possibility for a richer sexual experience with porn which is made to present people having a damn fun time together. There is a lot of sociological research around the impact of porn consumption and it doesn’t paint a very pleasant picture, especially when it comes to the hardcore and violent. So sexual ethics education should look at this through textual analysis (of various forms of porn) along with cultural discussion comparing this with what is expected in real life. The portrayal of genders in porn would have to be looked at quite closely; In a lot of porn men are the dehumanised cock of violence while women are vassals for male pleasure, equally non-human. Perhaps there could be some pornographic equivalent to contrast with the 31 600 000 results that Google has for ‘rape porn’, some wonderful smut in which the people smile and laugh, talk to each other, negotiate, moan, and generally have a damn good time doing more than penis-in-orifice intercourse with a bad soundtrack. Of course this would require such porn to exist and frankly, I’ve never found it outside of cliterature.
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There it is, folks! Tess would be happy to answer your questions in the comment section.

Interview # 17

J is my next interview.  She gives a far better introduction to herself than I can so I will simply add that I find her Tumblr pretty damn delicious and let her speak!

 

• How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

 

38-year-old Swedish woman, never married, no kids, and I am currently single, just to get that out of the way. While I’ve always been a sexually adventurous person with quite a few kinks, I’ve only just recently discovered my Domme side. I am straight, although I really prefer to think of myself as queer – I’m a little too far outside the norm. I love gay porn, the thought of dominating two men at the same time turns me on like nothing else, and I do get a kick out of flirting with women, even if I rarely want to fuck them. I’m keeping track of my turn-ons at Looking for omega, if anyone’s curious.

I think of myself as Dominant, and I believe that most of life is foreplay, so I’d probably be happier in a 24/7 TPE relationship. This doesn’t mean I want to own my man. He must still be able to be his own person. I’d just have the first and final say, about most things, sexual and non-sexual. I think of this power exchange the same way I think about being a dog owner. My dog knows I’m in charge. That doesn’t mean I hurt him or drag him around by a leash because I find it amusing. It just means that he knows I’m the Alpha. End of discussion. I love him and I want what’s best for him, and I believe that while he might also want that, I’m better suited to make those decisions. I feel the same about the man I want to find. He needs to be his own person, and he needs to willingly submit to me.

• How did you discover your power exchange preference?

It was very recently actually. The very short version is that last year, I met a man who (at that time) identified as a switch, and we had some very good times together. But I soon realized that I had so much more fun when I was in charge, and at the same time he started exploring his dominant side more and more. So, that part of our relationship came to an end, and now I am happily exploring. I have had a few experiences as Domme in a sexual setting, and I’ve never felt more thrilled. I feel like I’ve found my bliss, like I’m finally just enjoying sex instead of thinking about if I’m “good” or “pretty” or whatever.

• Compare your early sexual experiences to your most recent experiences. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned?

I don’t know where to start. I think it’s this feeling of pleasing my own self now. It’s not that I don’t want to get him off or give him an experience he won’t soon forget; it’s just that that not what is my primary focus. I am genuinely selfish when I fuck these days. I assume he is too. I assume he wants what I give him, and that he’d tell me if he didn’t. I can assume this because I don’t go for men who need to be tricked, cajoled or forced. I go for men who submit with lust and gusto. Who will tell me “I am yours to do with as you please”. And I believe them. And I do with them what I please, and it pleases me and it pleases them.

I used to be so worried about how I looked, how I performed, how I measured up, if he’d want to see me again, if he thought I was a slut for fucking on the first date. I don’t anymore. I refuse to apologize for wanting to fuck like I want to fuck. And it’s absolutely glorious.

• Tell me what it is about domination that appeals to you.

The short answer is that I get off on it. And I’m good at it. Why wouldn’t I like something that feels so very natural to me? I love men. I love their bodies, their vulnerability, and their reactions. I love exploring that. I love the feeling of being physically inferior and yet fully in charge.

• Describe your ideal partner, and your ideal relationship?

He is a manly man. Masculine, solid build, naturally hairy (to a degree). He is funny, sexy, smart and wicked. He will submit out of his own free will, and while I will give him pretty much all he’s ever dreamed of, he wouldn’t dream of topping from the bottom. He will be able to play top and fuck me silly when I ask him to. He wants what’s best for us, as do I. He should be prepared to deal with most household chores, because I suck at that. I’ll cook though. I’ll keep him very well fed and all I ask is that he deals with the rest of it. He enjoys culture, nature and Sundays in bed. He should be open to the thought of a 24/7 TPE relationship – even if we don’t have to start there. I’ll never ask him to sign some sort of contract though, which just seems so bizarre to me. He shouldn’t be too much of a pain slut, because my sadistic side is fairly moderate. I’ll slap, bite and spank, but that’s about it. He’ll give his cock and orgasms to me, but he won’t need a cage to keep him from doing (or not doing) what I ask of him. And he must like my dog and my cat.

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

To a degree, I do. I am feminist, but how I fuck is such a very small part of it. How I fuck won’t get me a raise, it won’t eradicate the bullshit in the corporate world (and beyond).

I don’t think it’s just about femdom, though. I think there’s a connection between acknowledging your sexual preferences and feminism in general – find out what you like as a woman and OWN the shit out of it. Don’t feel as if you have to be a certain way to be okay. You don’t have to let the guy fuck you in the ass on the first date if you don’t want to. You don’t have to throw your razor away and let your bush grow if you prefer it smooth. I think women in general should be more responsible for their own pleasure. Find out, and do. And if you find that you want to be tied up and spit on by three men who call you whore, that doesn’t make you less of a woman or a feminist.

I find that I am more and more open about being a Domme, especially with women. I have this feeling that most women don’t believe it’s okay to be sexually dominant, that Dommes are wicked manhaters, and that’s just not true. I tell women because I just want to be an example of a perfectly normal woman who likes to fuck her men in the ass and slap them silly.

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

Not one damn bit. Fuck them if they can’t take it.

• Are you involved in a community of like-minded people [locally, online, etc]?  If so, how is that experience for you? If not, have you avoided it purposefully?

I’m involved in a Swedish (Nordic, really) online community (www.darkside.se for anyone interested). I haven’t been to any munches or fetisch parties, but I have a sinking feeling I just might one of these days. And then there’s the tumblr, of course. Through the community I’ve found a few friends that I like to hang out with, and I’m still good friends with the man who got me involved in all of this from the start. It’s nice to be able to talk to people who get it.

• Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?

In a way, I guess. I’m not dominant with my friends, because they haven’t chosen to submit to me. And while I’m not a wallflower at work, I don’t take charge unless specifically asked to. It’s just not that kind of work environment. But if they ask me, I will lead.

• Which of the love languages would say you prefer?

This is a fun, and hard question. I think I’ll just rank them in order of importance:

1. Time. If you love me, you will want to be with me. You will choose to skip something else in order to be with me. If you keep postponing or bailing on me, I will assume you don’t want me.

2. Physical touch – I love touch, both giving and receiving. I want hugs and kisses, and PDA and spooning and endless fiddling with my hair. It’s really almost number one.

3. Words of affirmation are so lovely. I purr at compliments. I used to snuggle up to my ex when I had a bad day and ask him to “tell me pretty things”. And he’d happily tell me all sorts of lovely things about me and I’d feel so much better.

4. Acts of service – an old boyfriend used to get up early to walk the dog so I could snooze for another half hour. I loved that about him.

5. Gifts are nice, but nowhere near as nice as the person giving them. I’d be happier receiving a box of printing paper from the love of my life than a diamond ring from some entitled asshole.

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J would be happy to answer your questions in the comment section.

Interview # 16

My next interviewee goes by the name MyLadyHB . She is single and lives in southern Florida where she enjoys the lifestyle community despite her introverted nature. She currently has one pet, a cat, but is looking forward to finding a human pet as well. Here are her answer to the questions I sent her.

•  How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

I am a 40 year old, single woman, and am happy and comfortable with my singlehood. That doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t like to change that status. I would like to create a Female Led relationship that exists in both the kinky and vanilla worlds and includes a strong s/m component. Even when I was dating vanilla, I was never a promiscuous person, and that hasn’t changed with the scenery. I would still prefer my sexual relationships to occur within some type of relationship, rather than just a casual hook-up. I enjoy hurting boys, it is a physical and emotional high for me. For me, pain play is as much a sign of affection as a kiss.

• How did you discover your power exchange preference?

I think I have always been trying to impose a Ds dynamic on my vanilla relationships – and not surprisingly, it hasn’t worked. I just didn’t have the language to describe or explain what I wanted. I can remember a conversation with my mother at least 20 years ago, where, after seeing me interact with a boyfriend, she said to me something along the lines of “you shouldn’t be so mean to that boy, boys don’t like bossy girls.” If only I knew then!!

There is something in me that does not enjoy compromise, specially in relationships. I want what I want, and I have finally figured out that I can get what I want!! The idea or image of what I want the power exchange in my relationships to look like has always been in the back of my mind, I have refined that image as I have obtained the right language and definitions to match the images in my head.

• Tell me what it is about domination that appeals to you.

First and foremost, I like being in control. Whether it is picking a movie, or deciding when a boy can take his next breath, I want to be the one making the decisions. I am also fascinated by the boys that want to consensually give that control to me. I am drawn to the potential connection that I find when I am participating in an unbalanced power exchange with another person. Depending on the situation, it may just be an internal zing, or it could be an all out acknowledgement that I am entirely in control of the situation, but that works for me. I like being taken care of.

Physically and emotionally, I don’t want there to be any doubt that my partner has my best interest foremost in his mind, or mine his. I like to inflict pain. I like that I don’t have to compromise. I like structure and defined expectations. I like that moment when a boy breaks eye contact and lowers his eyes and I just know that he can feel my dominant personality as much as I can feel his submissiveness…

• Describe your ideal partner, and your ideal relationship?

My ideal partner would be a boy (and by boy I do mean a man of any age) that is committed to living a Female Led Ds dynamic, wants to put me first in all things, is willing to accept that there could be other intimate and play partners, and is a masochist. Ha – not too much to ask, is it!!

I realize that a Ds dynamic has to exist in the ‘real’ world, but through the groups that I am involved in, I have numerous examples of successful long term relationships and marriages that are at their core always Female Led. I am attracted to confident men that choose to acknowledge the superiority of women in their relationships. I don’t expect a submissive boy to be submissive to all women, just entirely submissive to one woman.

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

The obvious cultural image is of a leather-clad, whip-wielding dominatrix. I think that image has negative repercussions both outside and within the lifestyle.

In the few instances that I have broached the BDSM topic with vanilla friends, I have gotten such negative feedback that I quickly changed the subject. I think how the negative stereotypes has most affected me is that I have to hide this part of my personality from my family and friends. They just couldn’t, or wouldn’t, understand, so I can’t tell them about all the fun I’m having or the amazing people I’ve met. I have to be disingenuous about myself to “protect the innocent.” I’m not suggesting that I want to describe a scene to my friends blow by blow (pun intended), but I shouldn’t have to be careful not to display any overtly Ds behavior in front of them for fear of their disapproval.

I think that leather-clad, whip-wielding dominatrix is just as damaging to female dominants within the lifestyle as well – boys/men that are exploring their place in the lifestyle have been viewing those images for a large part of their masturbatory lives, and they have this fantasy built in their mind around that same dominatrix. There is then an uphill battle to be fought to convince these budding submissives that taking out the garbage and making the bed are as important to a Ds dynamic as their being suspended from the ceiling by their pinky toe and flogged with barbed wire (someone has to clean that mess up!!)

I don’t want the content of this answer to lead you to believe that I have anything against the leather-clad, whip-wielding dominatrix. I actually know several of them… and every single one of them is a funny, open, real woman (they just happen to have been granted the ability to wear leather and 8 inch heels without falling over and breaking a hip) – and I suspect the stereotypes are just as detrimental to them as to the rest of us fuzzy-slipper wearing dommes.

•  Are you involved in a community of like-minded people [locally, online, etc]? If so, how is that experience for you?

I am involved in both the local kink community and online (fetlife and collarme). My first foray out into the ‘real’ kink community was at a large educational/social conference, attended by people from all over the country. The size of that event gave me both the opportunity to meet many people as well as remain fairly anonymous. I attended a munch after that, and it was not the most comfortable evening I’ve ever spent – but I think that was more a result of my awkwardness in social situations than anything to do with the people or the event. Almost a year after that first munch I finally decided that I just had to get over myself and I forced myself to
start going to play parties and educational events in the area. Fortunately, South Florida has an extremely active and diverse lifestyle community – most weekends I have to choose between different events that I would like to attend, there is just so much going on. I have made several very good friends, and an awful lot of good acquaintances, in the local community.

Being active in the community has been a positive experience for me. I have found that the people I’ve met have consistently been willing to share their knowledge and expertise, and are a surprisingly normal bunch of people. There is not a large representation of Femdoms that are active in the community – and there are times when I get surprised reactions from new-ish male doms when I let them know that I am a dominant and a sadist… maybe because I don’t fit that stereotype leather-clad whip-wielding dominatrix image that we discussed earlier?? I’m not sure why “our kind” is so threatening to some (not all, but some) male doms – but there is a small contingent
of doms in my local community that sincerely believe that female dommes just haven’t met the right male dom yet. I can only be amused by their misconceptions, I doubt any amount of explaining would actually change their opinions of dommes.

•  Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you, does it turn you on?

I work in a field where I frequently have to be verbally aggressive/dominant and occasionally have to display physically aggressive/dominant characteristics as well. I think it does energize me, I get a bit of a rush when I have successfully handled a tense situation. I definitely have a personality that can take charge of a situation when necessary, and I usually think that if people would just do things my way everyone would be happier

• There is a theory that we all have an innate preference for affection expressed in ways which are called Love Languages. Which of the love languages would say you prefer?

It’s appropriate that you asked me about this particular book, I am reading it right now as a part of a discussion group that I am involved in regarding polyamory and family structure. Before I started reading the book, I thought my primary love language would be Words of Affirmation – or quality talk/daily contact.

After taking the quiz, I learned that my primary language is Physical Touch, with Quality Time and Acts of Service almost tied for second. It didn’t surprise me to see this result, I have always been a ‘touchy-feely’ person, especially with people I care about or have an emotional connection with. As far as I am concerned, Physical Touch includes affectionate touch, sex, and pain play.

I can see how it would be important for a boy in my life to understand my need for physical contact, and I think it would be just as important for me to know what that boy’s preferred language is, so that he is fulfilled in the relationship as well. I guess it doesn’t surprise me that physical presence and service are at the top of my list!!

Interview # 15

My next interview is with Unrepentant Fatty. She has a blog, a Tumblr, and a toy review site. She also participated in a group discussion last August here on my blog. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know her bit from her blog and if you aren’t following her- you should! Here is her interview.

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• How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

I’m a thirty-something artist, a sex-positive kinkster, a queer, an awkward nerd, an unrepentant fatty. I’d say my sexual tastes are.. well-rounded. I really like sex, and I want lots of it in lots of different ways. As far as power exchange preferences, I think of myself as being a both a dominant and a switch.

I say dominant and switch, because they feel like different things to me, in a way that’s really difficult for me to put into words. What it comes down to I think is that the desire to dominate is more overarching and more basic to my personality, whereas the desire to submit is mostly just sexual and for fun. Dominating is immensely powerful for me and goes right to the core of my being – switching is enjoyable and can also be intense, but I don’t think it goes quite as deep in me somehow. I have fantasies of being dominant in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but my fantasies about being dominated are always of short-term scenarios. Being dominated can be great, but I think I feel most comfortable and secure in a relationship where I know that at the end of the day, I have control.

In my relationship with my husband, I am the more dominant partner in an overall sense, and we are both quite happy with that. We do switch together, but me being dom and him being sub is the status quo – we stray into other territory very frequently, but that base dynamic always settles back into place afterward.

• How and when did you discover your power exchange preferences and how do they work together for you?

I’ve been both very sexual and very kinky for as long as I can remember, really. I think I’ve always known that I wanted all sides of the coin, so to speak, though I did go through a long period where I identified exclusively as a dominant. Even during that time though, I still knew that I liked to bottom, and had some fantasies about submission and switching. I didn’t really have much of an active interest in exploring those though until I met The Boy, partially because I do skew more dominant, but also because it’s very rare for me to find a person with whom I’m comfortable being truly open and bare emotionally, which is a large part of submission to me.

As far as how they work together for me.. I think I mostly answered that with the first question. My basic role is as the dominant but I also like to go outside that and explore other things.

• Did your same sex relationships include a power dynamic? Did the sex of your partner influence power dynamics at all?

Only one of my four long term relationships has been with a woman, and it did include a power dynamic, though it didn’t start out that way. It was my last relationship before The Boy, with a girl I refer to in my blog as Chelle; she and I lived together for around 5 years. The power dynamic aspect of the relationship was mostly during the second half of that. I don’t really remember how it came about, but we moved into a Daddy/girl relationship that was full-time in a lot of ways, and also ended up becoming quite dysfunctional.

Her sex/gender definitely influenced that dynamic quite a bit (in ways that are probably too complicated to go into here), but that’s particular to her situation and wouldn’t pertain to any relationships, Daddy/girl or otherwise, that I might have with a woman in the future.

• Tell me what it is about submission/domination/sadism/masochism that appeals to you and how they work together for you.

I think bdsm as a whole appeals to me because of the intensity, intimacy, and opportunity to go places with a partner than you cannot reach through vanilla interactions. Bdsm to me offers a way to truly touch and be touched in a more than surface way. And it makes for a whole hell of a lot more variety in your sex life; so many more ways and means to touch someone, so many more kinds of sensations, so many different paths of exploration, and ways to reach into the dark heart of human desire.

• Would you tell us the story of you and your husband?

Well, our blog is really our story. I started writing in it about the time The Boy asked me to be his first sex partner, and our relationship has kinda been the focus of the blog ever since. Nobody probably wants to read a year’s worth of blog posts though, so I’ll try to summarize how The Boy and I went from being total strangers in different countries saying hello online to being married a year later..

The Boy met my ex, Chelle, online – on a fat fetish site, incidentally – and was interested in her. She and I were at the tail end of our (open) relationship but still living together at the time. They started chatting and playing an online game together, and I ended up chatting and then gaming with them as well. Somehow it came up in conversation that The Boy was a virgin, and Chelle got it in her head that he and I should have sex, and as far as I can tell she’s the one who gave him the idea.

Somewhere in the midst of our group conversations and gaming, Chelle invited The Boy to visit us in person. What surprised the hell out of me is that he thought it was a great idea, and we started to make plans for him to fly down. I guess that was about the time Chelle started telling The Boy that he and I should hook up, and it’s also about the time he started getting less interested in her and more into me. After a few weeks, he worked up the nerve and asked me if I would be his “First”. I said yes, after some conversation, and that was the real beginning for us. His visit became about more than a friendly meeting, and he and I started talking one-on-one more and more, with lots of negotiation-type conversations, and sexy stuff in text and on webcam.

I was eager but also wary about the visit, worrying that there wouldn’t be chemistry in person or that the dynamic would be weird with the three of us in the apartment together, but my fears all ended up being unfounded. We had more chemistry together than I could ever have hoped. The week he was there was fucking amazing, and somewhere in the jumble of sex and snuggles and kink and surprisingly intimate late-night conversations, he confessed to me that he felt he was falling in love, even though he told himself he wasn’t supposed to.

His second visit was a few months later; we went to a sacred sexuality retreat during which we did a private handfasting ritual, promising each other to make a go of a relationship. At the end of that week, he proposed to me, which was a complete surprise to us both. We had one more visit over the summer, with me going to him that time, and then we married in November, almost exactly a year from the first time we ever said “hello.”

It sounds absolutely insane, I know. We’ve only spent about 30 days together in person, and here we are married (and still 2000 miles apart).

It all must seem terribly rash, but for us it never felt too fast. It’s just been exactly right from the first day we were together.

• Would you say your various kinks are something that you do, or part of who you are?

Well, the individual activities are something I do but the driving force behind them is central to who I am.
I don’t really have any specific fetishes or must-do activities when it comes to kink; it’s more about the interaction with my partner, the intimacy and intensity, pushing buttons and making them react, exploring pleasure and pain and the dark parts of our psyches. There are so many avenues and activities that can achieve those things; there are certain things I tend to like to do, but it also depends on the person I’m playing with and what they react to, and the relationship that we have.

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

I’d say there is an element of feminism in bucking the cultural trope of femininity/femaleness = submission/weakness, yeah. Going against limiting stereotypes and being empowered to be who we want to be regardless of gender, sounds like the ideas at the heart of feminism to me – my idea of feminism anyway.

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

Well, I feel like US culture really trains women to be submissive (’cause you know, strong, confident women are either mannish dykes or ice-queen ballbusting bitches), and my parents really never taught me to be a strong assertive person because that’s not what nice little girls are (e.g. I was bullied as a child for years – my mom’s only advice was to ignore them and wait for them to get bored); so when I figured out that I wanted to try dominating sexually, I really had no idea how to do it. I’m also an introvert with some social anxiety and didn’t even date until I was in my 20′s and after I’d started exploring bdsm, so the odds weren’t really stacked in my favor anyway, you could say.

Anyway, I read what felt like a hundred books about kink and attended a hundred workshops at different events, but no one teaches about how to have that certain kind of confidence, how to be comfortable asking for and getting what you want (especially without one-to-one reciprocation), how to assert and maintain control in a non-abusive way. It’s been ten years since I first started exploring bdsm and dominance and it’s only in the past couple of years that I’ve felt like I can really own it.

• Are you involved in a community of like-minded people [locally, online, etc]? If so, how is that experience for you? If not, have you avoided it purposefully?

I’m not really involved in a community per se – though I do have fetlife accounts where I occasionally visit some discussion groups, and The Boy and I will be attending a kink event over the summer. I used to be “in the scene,” sort of, attending workshops and munches and going to large events, but I didn’t make many friends or even acquaintances, and always felt on the fringes. Plus it all seemed terribly cliquish and the play parties felt bland, so I kind of drifted out of it after a while. I also never had a partner to attend events or parties with before The Boy, and that made things harder and less fun for me.

I’d like to see what the kink scene is like now though, several years later, and in different places. When I move up north with The Boy, we will probably get into the community a bit and feel it out.

• Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc.) energize you?

Interesting question; it’s not something I’ve ever thought about.

I think my answer is yes, as long as I’m in a situation where I feel comfortable. If I feel like I don’t really know what I’m doing, or people are watching me, then I tend to get anxious and want to hide. I do like being in charge and in control, and having the final say on things though, and I have far more respect for my own authority than most anyone else’s.

• Which of the love languages would say you prefer?

It’s funny that you included this question – I just read the 5 love languages book a few weeks ago. Subsequently, I’ve been thinking about the concept a lot lately, but have had a hard time figuring out where I stand with it personally. I actually wrote a long-ass response to your question that I discarded, but in which I mentioned that words of affirmation feel really good (probably because I had a lot of self-esteem issues when I was younger and it is very affirming to hear someone telling me with fervor that I am loved and desired), but that at the end of the day those words only have real value if the person is acting in accord with what they’ve said.

For a while I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what sort of actions I was thinking of, but I think it’s similar to the acts of service, which I was originally ambivalent about as one of my love languages, but which, after a lot of navel-gazing, I think may be a primary one for me. It makes me feel absolutely loved and desired when a partner puts effort into doing something for me, whatever form that may take. I think the reason I struggled with this concept in the framework of the love languages is that often acts of service and gifts overlap in my mind, and it’s thoughtfulness that makes both of those valuable, rather than the acts themselves.

Really I feel that all of the love languages are about equal for me, and I think I need at least a bit of all of them in a romantic relationship.

Interview # 14

Sexyblue is my next interview. She is 26 years old and from Norway. She is engaged to be married this year. She had been active in her local scene since she was 18 and  though she started out submitting— these days she mostly dominates.

Here are her answers.

• How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

I’m a woman from Norway, currently living in Oslo, and I’m in my mid-twenties. I’m engaged to a wonderful man, and I’m lucky enough that he’s agreed to let me play with other people within our set limits. Sexually, I can be both active and passive, though I’m most used to the active role. I’m very much into physical closeness and touching. I love to smell and taste and feel the other person, and love to use my mouth and my hands, both in sex and in BDSM play.

I consider myself a switch, though these last few years I’ve been in a very dominant period, so only this side has been expressed. I’m also quite sadistic, but it all comes back to control and power, so for me sadism is just a tool in my domination toolbox. I love bondage, especially with ropes, but again it’s something I do as a means to an end, it’s not the end itself. I enjoy several other BDSM-related activities as well, for example CBT, breath control and chastity play, among others.

• You said you think of yourself as a switch though you are mostly dominant now. How do the various power exchange dynamics work for you?

There are very, very few people that are both interested in being dominant towards me and whom I trust enough to actually give such power. The result is that I’m practically never in a submissive role. Luckily, as a switch, I have other options. I feel that both submission and domination feeds into the same need for BDSM, and that this need can be satisfied with either one or both of those.

When I’m the dom, I’m not your stereotypical, leather-wrapped ice-queen. Not only don’t I look the part, but I’m unable to channel that bitch-persona. I love BDSM. I love playing with a submissive, making him squirm and moan and cry out. It makes me happy, and so I smile and laugh when I play.

BDSM is never a 24/7 thing for me, never TPE, the way I understand those terms. I need to be able to talk to the submissive face-to-face, as equals, before and after play sessions. If I always had to be in “domination mode” when I was around the sub, I would not feel comfortable. There are also many areas of a submissive’s life that I have no interest in controlling, like his work or finances. Even had I been living with the submissive, I doubt I would have wanted to control those areas of his life. To me, BDSM is an exciting, thrilling addition to everyday life. A break, of sorts, from the everyday hustle and bustle. I wouldn’t want to be without it.

• Compare your early sexual experiences to sex now. What’s the most important thing you’ve learned?

Wow, this brings me back… Well, I started having sex just after turning 16. At this time, I had both theoretical and practical knowledge of how my own body worked, having masturbated for a few years and read exhaustively on the subject of sex and sexuality. As such, I had a very good starting point, and I think that was important. So physically, even though I have more experience and a larger… what to call it.. a wider span of sexual activities that I enjoy, physically the difference isn’t huge.

The main difference is how I think about sex and sexual activities, and how this thinking actually affects what I do. For example, I talk very openly with my sexual partners about sex and BDSM, both before sessions and afterwards. And I demand that they are open and honest with me in return. When I was younger, I didn’t dare make demands in that way. I was never ashamed of my desires, not even as a young teenager, but these days I’m more honest and upfront about them. I know what I want now, and I’m not afraid to go out and take it.

• Tell me what it is about submission and domination that appeal to you.

Trust. Power. Desire. In that order, I think, though that changes with my mood.

I love that tingling, electrical connection between the dom and sub, when they trust each other and communicate well. When the sub places his life in my hands, and lets me have my way with him. He knows that I respect his limits and has learned to trust me. I love pushing the sub to new heights, slowly and carefully, enabling the sub to handle more than he ever thought he would. I love how a relationship develops, and he keeps trusting me more and more. That trust is a beautiful gift, and the responsibility I’m given makes me humble and thankful.

I love the rush of power, when I have a sub under my hands. Unable to stop me (except by safe-words), perhaps unable to move, or speak, or see. His chest heaving, nervous and excited, not knowing what I’ll do next. My hands covering his mouth and nose, eye-contact, he doesn’t know when (or even if!) I’ll let him breathe again. And yet he trusts me, and lets me do these terrible, wonderful things to him. That’s a rush, and he gets a similar rush, and then our excitement feeds off each other.

And desire… Who doesn’t love that? Sexy, horny, wet, strong desire. That part speaks for itself, and I don’t think it needs any further explanation.

• Would you say your kink is something that you do, or part of who you are?

Both, I think.

BDSM, which is what I name my kink, is something I do. It’s a term I use to denote several, very varied activities that I engage in. But I wouldn’t have wanted to engage in those activities, if I hadn’t been kinky to begin with. I used to think that BDSM was just a thing I did, and that I could stop doing it and be just as content with my life. This can be the case for some people, but I no longer think that’s true for me. I need BDSM in my life, in some way or form, to be truly content. As such, kink is something that I am.

• What determines if you are submissive or dominant in a relationship?

A combination of several variables, most important I think are these three:
1. What kind of interaction we have and how we “click”.
2. What kind of mood I am in and what I need in my life right then.
3. Whether the other person is mostly interested in being submissive or dominant.

It’s been so long since I had a relationship where I was sexually the submissive, it’s kind of difficult to write a better answer.

• Who is kinkier, you or your partner?

Me.
My fiancé enjoys various kinky activities, but I believe that to him it’s only something he does and not something he is. He wouldn’t feel that same lack as I would if I didn’t have kink in my life. He is not into the dom/sub-dynamic at all, which is a big thing for me. He is more of a top, and enjoys top/bottom-dynamics a lot.

• How do you handle being kinkier than your partner?

It used to be a problem when we first started seeing each other, but as we’ve been together for so many years now, we’ve worked it out. He is a top, I’m a sub/dom-switch, and so it’s obvious that we don’t match 100% in our BDSM-related desires, but that’s not the most important bit.

What’s important to us is that we want a relationship where we always strive to be equals. He’s older than me, good at taking the lead and tend to be proven right whenever we disagree on things. As such, I’m already inclined to let him decide stuff and let his opinions weigh the heaviest in many cases. This is not a tendency we want to encourage. Therefore we do not engage in any kind of power-play with each other, as we think this would also affect our interaction in daily life. So we do regular, vanilla sex, of course, but not any BDSM/kink stuff.

However, we both want BDSM in our lives. Our solution is to only engage in BDSM-related activities with other people. We are 100% open with each other about what we do and with whom, and have negotiated an agreement on what kind of activities we may and may not engage in with others. As our trust in each other has grown over the past few years, the agreement has been re-negotiated a few times. We communicate about what we do, what we want and how we feel, and know that we have the other person’s full support in what we do. That’s how we handle it, and for us this works very well.

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

Yes, I would say that there is a connection. If only because the society norm is for women to be submissive and subservient and men to be dominant and controlling. Female doms go against this norm. To some, that might be challenging. Our society is more and more accepting of the fact that women can be good leaders and work well in positions of power, and this helps, but we’re not quite there yet. And for men who wants to be submissive, the battle for acceptance in mainstream society has a very long way to go.

Most BDSM scenes struggle with a very unbalanced ratio between male subs and female doms. Why that is, is a whole other discussion, but this apparent lack of female doms does fuel a market for more prodoms, more male-oriented BDSM porn and a lot of really frustrated men. And to some of those, femdom might be all about them and getting their needs fulfilled, because they’ve so rarely (if ever) actually experienced what they desired. These very desperate men might give femdom a bad reputation, because it becomes all about them, and the women are seen more as service providers than real individuals.

I know that some radical feminist groups call BDSM anti-feminist, misogynistic, even woman-hating. They will even make this claim when the woman is the dom. And of course if women only engage in the kinky activities to please the men, sure it can be misogynistic and bad for feminism. However, most women who engage in BDSM or other kinks do this because THEY want to. Not to please a man. Isn’t that what feminism is all about? That women should be able, and encouraged, to do whatever they want to do?

• The media image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

This might be a cultural matter, because it’s my impression that this is more true for the US than for Norway. To be honest, I don’t think that it has affected me negatively in any conscious manner at all. I’m not even sure if I agree with you.
In books and movies (both American and European), you have the “femme fatale”: the dangerous beauty, with an agenda of her own and no scruples about what needs to be done to reach her goal. And yes, these women are typically adversaries or work for the bad guys, and as such are not portrayed in a positive light. However, it’s very clear that guys LOVE these women.

Guys get turned on by women like the character played by Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct, and why? Because she takes the lead and seduces the male lead (and she’s damn sexy while doing it). Same with the strong female character, played by Sarah Michelle Gellar, in the movie Cruel Intentions. Famous, not only because two girls kiss, but because a strong, leading, dominating (and even manipulating) woman is really, really sexy. Sure, it can also be dangerous, as men gets so easy to manipulate when they’re turned on, but that’s a risk most men seem willing to take. At least in the movie world. As such, even though these forceful female characters also get some negative publicity, society, at least the one I’ve grown up in, has embraced the idea of a strong, seducing, active woman.

And so to me, these characters are to be admired. And they do get a fair amount of admiration, especially from the male part of the population. The fact that it’s so obvious that men admire and desire such women, makes it much easier for me to seduce men as well. Most women, even today, are somewhat timid and submissive in the way they flirt. They don’t seduce, they sit and wait for a man to come and seduce them. They don’t dare to take control and actually go after the man they want. Once a woman with some confidence and daring comes along, the men fall like flies. It’s really a woman’s market out there, we just need to take advantage of it.

• What about the cultural message about sexually active or dominant women. What is your view on that?

Like I said above, most women still act somewhat reserved around men. Our cultural norm dictates that men should be the active ones, the hunters, those who take down their prey. And women should be that prey, passive and waiting for a man’s attention. This is reflected in how men and women talk about sex as well. While men can brag about how many sexual partners they’ve had, and how great they are at picking up women, women can not. I say “can not” because that is the norm, but that doesn’t mean we can’t go againt the norm. We should, and many people do.

Women who brag about their sexual experience or even just speak of enjoying sex and sexual activites are often called whores or accused of being promiscuous. In rape cases that goes to court, the woman’s sexual promiscuity is often under scrutiny, as if a sexually active woman can’t be raped as much as any virgin could. Prostitutes who experience rape have huge problems with being taken seriously, both by the police and in the justice system. Though there are regional variations, in general the US and Norway are struggling with the same issues in this regard.

Our culture is changing, and women have much more sexual freedom today than they did in the 40s. However, I don’t think it’s changing fast enough. This is connected to feminism, obviously, but it’s not just a feminist struggle. Everyone should become more aware of how they are thinking about, and talking about, sexually active women versus sexually active men. There is no reason why one should be judged and the other praised.

I’m trying my best not to let this cultural norm of how women “should” be affect me too much. But of course it does affect me. For example, I don’t tell my parents or other relatives about my kinky sides. I don’t tell them that I’ve done fetish- and nude photoshoots, even though I’m damn proud of those pictures. I don’t tell them how engaged I am in the BDSM scene in Norway, even though I’m proud of the work I do there. I don’t tell them, because I’m certain they wouldn’t agree that I have something to be proud of. They wouldn’t understand why I do the things I do, and they would condemn me for it, because they are stuck with that cultural stereotype of what is right and what is wrong. I’m not willing to take on that battle with them at this point, and so I choose to withold a large part of my life from them. It’s easier both for them and me.

So I can claim to be as liberated as I want, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m a part of this culture too. It has affected me, and still does. All I can do, is try to be aware, and to fight it where I dare.

• You are involved in a kink community online and in person, how is that experience for you?

The kink community, specifically the BDSM community, here in Norway is fairly small. But then Norway only has 5 millon inhabitants, so a small scene is to be expected. I love going to my local BDSM club, or traveling to other towns to meet up with kinky people there.

I see a difference between the generations, at least here in Oslo. Those who are in their late 40s and older tend to be much more ashamed of their kinky sides, tend to be more focused on discretion and often have a more stereotypical view of what BDSM (which they will typically call sadomasochism) should and shouldn’t be. Those who are in their 20s and 30s tend to be more openminded, more accepting, less stereotypical, and less hung up on definitions and titles. Of course I’m speaking generally, there are many exceptions and variations on this theme.

I mainly participate in the scene to play, talk about play and get inspired for more play. Though of course the social part is important as well. Recently, I started to get interested in the political work as well. The Norwegian State removed BDSM and fetishism from it’s list of mental illnesses a couple of years ago, a goal that several people have worked for decades to achieve. Now that we are no longer (officially) seen as sick, doors are starting to open up that have always been closed before.

Online, I participate in several forums and sites related to kink. I love getting to know people, and online communities are a great tool in doing just that. A lot of people new to BDSM are afraid to meet up with other kinksters in real life. I enjoy helping those people, talking with them online, perhaps meeting up at a pub or something, and showing them that just because you’re kinky doesn’t mean you have to follow all the porn stereotypes. We are regular people of all kinds, and nothing to be afraid of.

• Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?

Yes, it energizes me, but it doesn’t turn me on.

I’m very dominant, perhaps even domineering on occasion, in real life. I prefer to be either a leader or a coordinator of sorts whenever I need to work in a team, at least when it’s a task I care about getting done. I am quick to speak up if I have something to say, and often end up doing more than my share of the work because otherwise it wouldn’t have gotten done at all… And someone has to do it. “Someone” is usually me. I often speak in public, and I doubt I have a shy bone in my body, though I absolutely hate to improvise or act, strangely enough. If I have to submit to someone I don’t agree with or respect, that really, really bugs me. So does shutting up, when I know the solution.

So it’s not so much, perhaps, that it energizes me. It’s more that behaving in any other way is difficult for me. As such, I can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.  :P

• Which of the love languages would you say you prefer?

Words of affirmation are the most important to me (11/12 points in the test you linked). Physical touch is a strong second (9/12). The other three are not important to me at all (3, 3 and 4 points out of 12, with Quality time getting 4). I’m not at all surprised at these results. I would have said the same even before I took that test. I’m a very oral kind of person. I talk a lot (and write, as you can see), and I like using my mouth for other things as well. Luckily, my fiancé is extremely good at communicating, which suits me well. My sub is not as good at communicating as of yet, but he’s getting better.

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There you have it!

Thank you, Sexyblue for your patience and your answers.