Just no, hell no.

No one needs to know where I am all the time and that information sure as fuck doesn’t need to be available online. Just stop already, creepy stalker apps!

Nevertheless, thank you for your obnoxious, non-stop, annoying, overbearing interference WordPress, Gmail, Tumblr, Facebook, Yahoo, Youtube, Dropbox, Microsoft, et al but if I want to follow someone, friend someone, connect an account, learn more about your new feature, update my profile, update my inbox, update my contacts, update my ANYTHING,

I WILL FUCKING LET YOU KNOW!

Ah, I feel better now. 

Maymay, KIE, and Stabbity, all three of whom actually have a history in the meat world bdsm community, have posted recently about a PAT-OKC tool Maymay created to let people using the OKCupid site know about possible predator risks.

Here is the amazing part to me.. that there are actually people in the bdsm community who are objecting to this. This makes me so happy that I have never chosen to identify myself with the total fucking wankers. Those of you who are, those of you who are identified with predators and people who would cover for them, mask them, and defend them— YOU need to step up and clear your names.  Point fingers, name names. It’s decision time.

Either predators and rapists are representative of bdsm culture or you need to set your house in order.

Let’s make it a race, who can clean house the quickest, the Catholic church or the bsdm community?

The high school senior who excels in multiple areas but must choose whether to pursue art school or pre-law before beginning college, for example. Of course, many guess wrong the first time and decide to go with the other option after a while, or perhaps (in a more mystical view of things) they need to learn things by aiming for the one goal before pursuing the other. 

Jai Alai or Lacrosse? No time or money for both, make a choice. But the pros and cons depend so heavily on factors that are nearly impossible to predict that it becomes impossible to know which choice is best. 

Of course with some things it doesn’t matter; try it all, experiment, make your choice with full knowledge and assurance that you have tested the options and made the choice that suits you best. Those decisions are easier to make, I think. 

But suppose you are a man just on the verge of making a commitment to a woman and then you meet another… one who is different than the first, not necessarily better or worse, not definitely a better choice or a worse choice, just… a different one. For the sake of this conversation exclusivity is not optional. It is one or the other. Make your choice and take your chance. There is no way that decision doesn’t suck. At any point where that choice has to be made… it is going to suck.

Some people will read that and try to engineer a cheat our of the proposed kobayashi maru scenario (the women might be bi and they can all three live happily ever after together!), but the point is, sometimes you can’t know beforehand. Sometimes the store isn’t handing out free samples and the only way to know if you are going to like seaweed crackers is to buy and try them.

Eow, by the way.

Trusting the good will of the universe, or one’s own resilience, or whatever gives a person the bolster they need to step off into the nothingness of a big choice made on faith and guesswork is brave, and it is very hard for some, and it is gut-wrenching when it doesn’t work.

I like to know, for sure, beforehand. Too bad it doesn’t work that way nearly often enough. 

At one point, while he was tied to the bed frame licking and sucking my pussy I remember making a mental note to imprint the moment with as much detail as possible because, frankly, moments when we can revel loudly, freely, and without reserve or concern in the pleasures of the fless… well, they are not as frequent as I’d like. 

The schedule is getting ready to change, for summer of course, but then in the fall my schedule will be filled with commuting and new commitments. I am not sure how intimate moments will fit into the schedule but time will have to be made— some times a girl just needs to tie up, whip, and ride her fucktoy. It just has to be done, no matter how busy the schedule is.

When self-containment no longer holds sway and the part of your brain that stifles all that surrenders, finally, to sensation and desire and your mouth gapes open and you moan from your throat, from your soul, from the place inside you that needs me to take you to places that exist apart from obligation and responsibility.

That is when I know you are just where I want you, and where you want to be.

There’s been so many obligations and so much responsibility. The few moments that can be squeezed out of schedules don’t really allow for a departure from reality, but we need one.

We need to get away from it all so I have the time to tie you down, fuck you up, and make you forget everything but what I am doing to you and what you hope I will do next.

It’s time to eat some lotus.

Do we seriously have another whole generation of children who are buying bullshit stereotypes?? WTF?! What people teaching their kids?

No wonder we still can’t get an equal pay bill passed. Never mind the old white men in Congress, little kids don’t even have a healthy mindset about gender stuff.

I’ve decided it’s time for another interview. During the time I was publishing some of the dominant women interviews I received a very charming email from Dave. He wanted to let me know he was enjoying the interviews and in my reply I asked if I could add him to my list of sub guys for grilling in the future. As you can see today… the answer was yes! Heads up, Ferns, you  might want to add him to your list of future interviews for happy fem-dom stories.

Dave does a great job of speaking for himself so I am going to get to the interview and if you have any questions at all, please do ask them in the comment section.

—–

Describe yourself and your kinks.

This seems to be a more complicated question, as it’s a continuous work in progress. I would also describe myself apart from my kinks, as my kinky nature is a part of me, but I am not my kinks. My vanilla persona tends to be rather stereotypical – exacting and detailed personality, requiring the things that are under my supervision to be exactly the way I need them to be, with little leeway for error, but I do allow for creativity and novel approaches to problems. I am generally active, starting my day around five or six in the morning, making valiant attempts at keeping up with gym and ending my day at the office around six or seven that evening or later, with sleep arriving anytime between eleven and one in the morning. Sadly, this leaves me with little time to enjoy some down time. I find that I enjoy working out as it allows me to focus “in the moment” and feel the physical high for a strenuous workout. I tend to be rather live and let live in my relations with others and am an atheist. I look at myself in a similar fashion as Billy Joel’s song “The Stranger” where we all have various masks. By day, straight-laced vanilla guy, by night a raunchy kinky slave, and usually with a kinky thought or two during my conscious hours. In talking with my Mistress/wife, we have determined that even my hobbies such as SCUBA diving and aviation are technical and require fine attention to detail and mastery over the environment I’m in.
My kinks are generally 180 degrees away from my daily persona. I adore being bound and made immobile. Having utterly no control over destiny and surroundings is very hot for me. Gags, manacles, straps, hoods; you name it, I love it. I also get off on the humiliation of finding myself in such a position and struggling against it, to find that I have no option but to submit. My kinks range from enjoying fetish items such as leather and latex clothing to “bathtub” fantasies that are hot in my head but will be unlikely to ever unfold in reality. Since getting involved with my partner, I have come to enjoy corporal punishment more, as it is one of her number one forms of foreplay. What turns my Mistress on turns me on, with some exceptions. I am open to pushing my boundaries, so long as it’s done carefully and with trust on both of our parts. We’re doing so in the areas of forced femme, chastity, and a few other areas. I must admit to being a bit of an anal slut as well.

How and when did you discover your interests?

I discovered my kinky interests and nature rather young. Of course I couldn’t and didn’t put a name to these feelings until mid-high school. Like many others of the same ilk, I enjoyed being captured in the youthful games of ‘cops and robbers’ or ‘cowboys and indians’. I spent many an hour tying myself up, with an occasion or two of being too secure, with some laughable/humiliating results. With the advent of BBS’ and later the internet, I was able to access images and stories that really helped me put a name to my interests. As with anything, if you can better define it by putting a name to it, you can better understand the principle behind it. I found that as I matured I was able to access literature that helped me understand the whole “BDSM” thing better. In college and later in postgrad, I made connections and friendships that helped me explore and understand my nature even better. I respect and appreciate all those that helped me be where I am today because of their time and efforts.

Tell us about meeting and marrying your wife?

We think it’s an amusing story. A number of years ago now my then unknowing partner-to-be, let’s call her K, and I were each looking for “someone”. We were both “looking” for someone but weren’t actively seeking out a life partner. The most I was doing was keeping a profile on OK Cupid and reaching out to some local people that seemed to interest me. One of those people happened to be Her. Shortly after we started dating we both dropped any other “options” we had outside of one another. What astounds me to this day is that of all the places K could be living, it turns out that she was no more than a quarter mile from my house – living in my own subdivision. I had better odds of simply going for a walk and bumping into K, but even if I did, I would never have known about the person inside the body if it wasn’t for the internet. If it wasn’t for the dating site, we never would have crossed paths due to us traveling in very different life circles.
So, fast forward a few years and we agreed on getting married. From the beginning we had a knowing D/s chemistry, with the two of us falling into our natural roles of Domme and submissive. During some point we agreed to try a contract on for size. Since then, the contract(s) have fallen to the wayside and we try to live as much of a 24/7 Domme and slave as we can. The lifestyle thing isn’t so abject that I have given up all property, etc… but more of a shared understanding of our roles and how we treat one another. I think I speak for K in saying that it’s a very loving relationship because we can most fully express who we are with few, if any, shadows within the relationship.
Every relationship has its swings, but a D/s relationship has a more complex and nuanced structure. I think the skills we have learned through our kink have actually made us able to better work out any issues we have. One of my favorite little quips is “kink to the rescue”. If it wasn’t for our kink, we would be missing one of our greatest assets as a couple, the ability to COMMUNICATE. Having attended many BDSM related scholastic events and even some other therapeutic psychological sessions, it all boils down to that one word. Sounds easy, but very hard in action. Kink helps us out because of the lifestyle’s requirement to NEGOTIATE and explain ourselves in greater detail than we may otherwise.

Are you involved in your local BDSM scene? If so, how is that for you, if not, why?

Not at all. We highly value our privacy and cannot trust the local group, what there is of one, to maintaining that high degree of privacy. I’m even a bit nervous of this interview. That is not to say we do not have “local” friends who know of our predilections, but local is more like 60-100 miles away. We enjoy traveling to events like Kink in the Caribbean and Floating World. I hope more events are in our future, but that’s as close as we’re going to come to being social. It’s a bit sad in a way because some of our shared fantasies would require the involvement of additional people that we would know and trust, but due to our situation it’s just not foreseeable. It certainly doesn’t help that we live in a part of the country that does not even come close to the Eulenspiegel Society caliber of people. We have a joint account on Fetlife, but due to the myriad of security issues with the site, we rarely use it.
Frankly, overall, we would enjoy having others to communicate with, but we’re fine with those not being local.

How does submission look in your relationship and what does it mean to you?

To us, the many acts of submission is the most appreciated display of affection that we have. K prefers submission over just about any other generally accepted form of romantic conduct. So, of course, this has affected my methods of submission. Prior to being with K, submission fulfilled a strong sexual desire. Now submission is how I say “I love you”. It goes beyond the annual token of affection presented on Valentine’s day or just about any other day. It is a constant, determined activity on my part to reinforce my showing of affection for my Mistress and Wife.
One new idea that we are looking forward to implementing is a new system to modify certain behaviors of mine, specifically, my penchant for orgasms. K provides me with four tokens that I can use throughout the month, providing me with a limited set of personal needs orgasms. The rest of the month, she gets to decide how/when this happens for me. We’re looking forward to seeing how this experiment progresses.
In daily life, I tend to express my submission simply by seeking to make K’s life more comfortable in little ways, from opening a door to fetching a glass of water. As I mentioned before, it’s an ever evolving process.

One of the things that inspired these interviews was a discussion of the devaluation of submissive men. Have you seen or experienced that?

This is difficult for me to answer because I have not had a sense of this myself, but do see this as a problem in the field, as it were. Since K and I don’t spend much time with groups, we haven’t experienced any devaluation ourselves, but we do tend to talk about what we see online. A perfect example is the multitude of “femdomme” blogs and images, but a relative dearth of “malesub” blogs and images. I think it’s also a problem for men to publicly identify as being submissive because in our American society, we still hold onto the “strong” man with the weight of the cultural baggage that comes with it. The traits that make me “strong” in daily life have little to do with physical strength, but being “submissive” equals “weak” in many people’s belief structures. Sadly, the less open-minded and, dare I say, less educated still too strongly influence public opinion. I think Ghandi epitomizes this strength dichotomy, saying, “Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” As a submissive, I CHOOSE to hand over my personal will to another, but it does not diminish me. One last quote that I think is appropriate to this conversation in a rather tongue-in-cheek fashion is from Nietzsche who of course said, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger.” My final thought on this is that  an individual’s value, no matter what designation that person attributes to her or himself, must come from within, and from there will be observed without.

—-

There you have it! Many thanks to Dave for his patience during the interview process and for his willingness to do this. Don’t forget to ask your questions in the comment section if you have any.

“You’re 42? You don’t seem a day over 40!”

That sort of thing.

Anyway, unlike many teens he actually thinks his mother is pretty smart… not as smart as he is (let’s not get crazy) but smarter than your average box of rocks. Also, because we do a fair amount of discussion regarding politics, ethics, and the meeting of the two he was also pretty well-informed about how I planned to vote. He did have one little surprise though.

He came home from school following a discussion of legalizing marijuana, the pros and cons, and started taking a reproving tone with me because so many people are opposed to marijuana but they don’t even know anything about it.  I asked how he thought I would have voted on the measure that was on the ballot here in Washington state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. He gave me condescending teen attitude and guessed, “You voted against it…right?”

Actually, no. I voted for legalizing it, and I know exactly why. I’ve never used marijuana and don’t really plan to use it in the future but that doesn’t mean I think classifying it as a schedule 1 drug had anything to do with science or medicine— it had everything to do with hysteria. Locking up enormous portions of your population for smoking a lil bud? That isn’t promoting the general welfare. It is high time we stop that idiocy.  Marijuana use should, in my opinion, be categorized with alcohol use. I don’t think people should be operating heavy machinery under its influence but I don’t think jail time for its responsible use is the way to go either.

This surprised my son, who had evidently suspected me of knee-jerk reactionary policy regarding pot. Now, I really don’t think that when they publish books revealing the secrets of a happy, successful, or fulfilled life after legalization that smoking pot is going to make any of those lists. Just because I think it should be legal doesn’t mean I think its excessive use  (especially in the long-term) is good for anyone’s brain cells, productivity, or decision making processes… just like alcohol.

The vote that did not surprise him at all was that my husband and I both voted to support R 74— support for gay marriage.  I hope it passes.

Of all of the sites in the world where one might find images or stories on that topic, this one in actually ranks very, very low… and yet they come,  the slavering, chaps enthusiasts.

Poor bastards.