My next interview is with Sarah Jameson of The Male Chastity Blog. If you are interested at all in learning more about chastity or teasing and denial you should probably check out her books. Sarah has been blogging for a couple of years and some of her ideas for teasing and denial are incredibly, deliciously cruel and sexy. If a tied-up man writhing and begging happens to be something you find erotic, Sarah’s your gal.
- How would you describe yourself, your less typical sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?
I don’t think I’m particularly atypical sexually, and beyond tease and denial I don’t go in for any kind of power-exchange. It’s really not my thing. If anything I like to be mildly and gently physically dominated in the bedroom, like most women do, I think. Outside the bedroom our relationship is, if anything, male led.
John, my husband, is the strong one, physically and mentally, too, I think. And I am an old-fashioned girl. I like men holding doors open for me, and waiting for me to be seated and served first in a restaurant. It’s nothing to do with it being my dues as a “superior female” (a particularly vile expression) but because it’s good old chivalry and manners. John is very chivalrous. And that’s all just something I like. It’s purely subjective and I know some feminists hate that kind of thing. I think they have mental problems, myself, but it’s a free country and they can be as mean-spirited and prissy as they like.
Our sexual activity must needs be a bit more exploratory and experimental than perhaps most people’s because we practice male chastity and long-term orgasm denial. In other words, we have to be more inventive because full intercourse is rarely on the cards.
Add to that the fact I’m writing about sex, chastity, denial and whatnot virtually every day and you can imagine sex occupies a large part of my consciousness.
But two things I think it’s important to stress here are first, it’s not the case John and I are having sex every waking moment; we are very sexually active, but it’s not morning, noon and night as so many people like to imagine (and pretend). Life goes on. We have bills to pay, clients to serve, invoices to raise, dogs to walk, meals to cook, and horse-shit to shovel in my garden.
And the second thing is while my life is very sexually orientated right now, what we do and what I write about isn’t exactly extreme kink or fetish.
It’s barely more than vanilla sex, really, in relation to the things we COULD get up to.
I just do a lot of thinking and writing about it.
- How did you discover chastity?
That’s easy: John “tricked” me into swapping fantasies with him on paper. His was something called “male chastity”, which I’d never heard of.
Lots of reading and emotional rollercoasters later, I agreed to give it a try. One of the problems was all the utter rubbish out there about male chastity on blogs and forums.
That’s why I started my own blog because after practicing male chastity for 2 1/2 years or so, I felt I knew enough to have the gumption to stand up and call “bullshit” on all the misinformation out there.
My first ever post, from March 2009, tells it all in a nutshell.
- If you compare your sexual experiences before chastity to your sex life now, what are the major differences?
Well, I’ve never been a prude or unadventurous, but I have to say this whole thing has opened my eyes somewhat. Because we practice very long term orgasm denial and obviously intercourse can be “dangerous”, we’ve had to learn lots of new tricks and to play with a lot of toys.
We also like mild bondage and restraint, simply because that often makes it easier for me to edge John without him finishing himself off — or, in the case of a ruined orgasm, so he can’t “unruin” it, so to speak.
I love him pleasing me, too, until I can barely move, and then cuddle up and drift off to sleep KNOWING he still desires me. That’s incredible. Intoxicating.
Also, I have to confess… with the ebooks I write, I have to do a lot of research. One challenge is to keep that fun and not let it ever become too clinical, like a job.
In that I think it’s a fortunate subject matter to study, because Tease and Denial is impossible for me to be clinical about. Even if I wasn’t feeling horny when I started, having John tied down, squirming and begging to cum is enough to get ME going, too.
- You and I sometimes engage in the same basic thing, teasing and denial, but while I characterize that as part of a D/s dynamic you view it differently. How do you see it?
If you have a glass of water and add whiskey, what do you have? You have water with whiskey in it.
But to some people, you’d have a glass of neat whiskey, because the dash of flavour apparently defines the entire substance of the thing.
Or, to quote Jon in an email he sent to his client list a while back:
I remember from my school days when my English teacher would read a passage from whatever book we were studying at the time and read into it some deep and profound meaning, “The curtains were blue”, she’d read, then raise her eyes from the book and tell us all, “the blue of the curtains is the author’s way of communicating the deep depression of the protagonist as a result of his betrothed’s infidelity”.
How did she know?
Sometimes the curtains are just fucking blue, and that’s all the author wanted to say; and unless the author tells us differently, that’s really what we have to assume.
Or, sometimes we tease and deny just because we like to tease and deny and our lovers enjoy it.
- Tell me what it is about chastity that appeals to you.
Chastity per se doesn’t particularly. It’s what chastity does for us that appeals. And with us it’s resulted in a much closer and more physically and emotionally intimate relationship than we’d have had otherwise, and, indeed, than we HAD before we started playing the game.
- Would you say chastity is something that is part of one relationship, or something that is part of you? If, in some other reality, that relationship ended, do you you see yourself in another relationship involving it?
Since John is the only man I have ever practiced it with, I suppose you’d say it was part of our relationship. It’s hard for me to imagine NOT being in a relationship with John, though. Although, if pushed, I’d say if something happened to him, then I’d probably not get into another relationship unless chastity was part of it.
It’s simply too much fun and the benefits we’ve both got from it are too numerous and profound for me to miss out on.
- The cultural image of women who prefer to set the pace sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?
I’m a libertarian and an atheist. I don’t ask or need anyone’s permission to engage in consensual sexual acts with any number of other adults, and I certainly don’t think there’s some all-powerful Sky Daddy watching what I do in the bedroom and keeping score.
Or, to put it another way, if my friends judged me on my sexual preferences, I’d find new friends. Society gets the same short-shrift. It’s no one else’s business. Any problem other people have with it is a problem confined between their own ears so far as I’m concerned.
I tend to think anyone interested in what’s going on in my bedroom, wound up to the point where they think they can pass judgement on me, AND thinking I am somehow supposed to care about all that, probably has very little going on in their own bedroom and they can’t stand to think of anyone else having the fun they’re missing out on.
In any case, it’s not really a matter of me setting the pace. Other than the fact John rarely orgasms and so we have to work things around that, our sex life proceeds pretty much as any other couple’s in that either one of us is as likely to initiate sex as the other.
- You’re involved in a community of like-minded people online, do you get a lot of support from that, or are you primarily there as a support for others?
Lol, I’m not really involved in a community and I have been banned from at least one popular forum for telling the truth and spoiling some silly people’s fantasies.
Because my views don’t coincide with those of a small but vocal minority, I rarely bother with forums at all and I confine my discussions to a private group of individuals — in that respect I act more of a support and a source of information.
The truth is, the state of the online chastity community, if you can even call it that, is appalling. I think it’s unlikely to get any better because the wholly unrealistic fantasy of forced and involuntary male chastity is so enticing. It’s a bit like trying to ban porn or prostitution — too many people are watering at the mouth for it.
I’m not suggesting for a moment the fantasists should not be allowed to post their trash and claim it as truth; but in the same way Freedom of Speech means they can do that, it also means I can call “bullshit” on their stupidity with impunity. They make outrageous claims and when asked for evidence, or even just sound reasoning to back it up, they get angry.
You know, the usual thing: “my wife came home with a CB3000 and put it on me while I was asleep… and she says if I take it off she’ll divorce me, and her brother’s the Judge and he’d give her everything and she’d get custody, and she has these photos”. Drives me crazy, the inanity of it all. And people actually believe this rubbish.
The fact is, you see, it’s obvious MOST men who crave chastity crave what we call “vanilla chastity” where the focus really is on orgasm control and denial for the purposes of giving pleasure to both partners, and increasing the physical and emotional intimacy between them. Of course, my audience is very much self-selecting because no one reading my work for very long is going to stick around if they swallow those dumb fantasies.
Regardless, most men I come across simply are not looking for all the domination, humiliation and abuse some people seem to think male chastity has to include.
Over and over again I have had people telling me I “must” be dominant and John “must” be submissive. They’re like religious fundamentalists in that they can’t, won’t and don’t accept anything not conforming to their world-view regardless of the evidence.
I’ve had emails from people who write as if they were some kind of “fly on the wall” telling me “when you have John on his knees, kissing your feet and begging to cum, he must feel submissive then”. But I have never, ever mentioned having anyone on their knees begging for anything.
They just get carried away with their own fantasies and, frankly, make things up and think it’s “evidence”.
Even when I tell them I am not a domme, even when John tells them he is not submissive, the reply is “well maybe you both are, but you just don’t know it”.
Faced with that kind of stupidity, there’s no real way of winning the argument.
So I rarely bother with these people any more. As Mark Twain said, “Never argue with a fool; onlookers may not be able to tell the difference”
Instead, I see my role as being a source of factual, rational, sane and safe information on male chastity and orgasm denial. That’s why I write my blog, free guides and other resources. I’m there for those who seek what I have to offer.
I am not interested in justifying my own preferences, or John’s, or in changing anyone else’s mind or winning anyone over.
- Does being in-charge in a non-sexual setting (work, etc) energize you?
We run our own business from home, a small, exclusive and very successful marketing consultancy. John is definitely the one in charge, and that’s just how I like it.
When I’m doing my own projects I’m working alone and while the projects energise me, it’s more about self-determination rather than being in charge of others.
I AM a control freak, but only of myself. If I tried to be a control freak with John, he’d just laugh at me. If I pissed him off enough, he’d probably put me over his knee and spank me. He’s not a man to be pushed around by anyone, and especially not by his wife. For all that, he is a bit of a softy when it comes to dogs and puppies.
- There is a theory that we all have an innate preference for affection expressed in 1 or 2 of the following 5 ways which are called Love Languages, which would you say you prefer?
Well, it’s a nice idea and a hypothesis, but I’m not so sure it has any basis in fact. It’s very easy to use post-hoc reasoning to shoehorn us into any arbitrary set of characteristics.
I know the things John isn’t good at. So when he does them for me, it means a lot. I know it means he’s made a real effort and remembered something I know doesn’t come naturally to him. I also love how protective of me he is, without being in the least overbearing.
I don’t know if that answers the question, but none of the five choices made much sense to me. It’s all the things that go to make up my wonderful husband I love.
That is what Sarah had to say!