Interview # 3

This interview is with Sunnygirl. She knows me primarily through my Tumblr and since she likes the things I post there, I’m inclined to think she has very good taste. She also just started a blog, yay! She started exploring D/s through the encouragement of the man she married and decided it was a great fit for her. 

Here is her interview.

• How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?  How did you discover your power exchange preference? Describe your ideal partner, and your ideal relationship?

I’m going to answer all of these Qs together, as they’re completely interlinked for me.

When I first had sex with my now husband, he asked me to smack him. I looked at his bare ass, held in the air waiting for my hand, and wondered if I could do this. I decided, yes. That was the beginning.

I was open to the idea of being dominant, even though I wasn’t sure it was my thing. I thought I was probably also submissive, as I’d had fantasies about being held down and ‘taken’ and forceful, almost violent, love scenes (secretly) turned me on. I think now that although a part of me does empathize with the submissive, actually it’s more the (always male) dominant that I empathize with. But I don’t fancy girls – so at the time, it was only logical to me that I had to be wanting to be the female in the situation – right?

So we already had a D/s dynamic to some extent when my hubby sent me around her finger and suggested that he wanted a bit more. I did what I always do when I want to know about something, I did research. I bought a manual. I read his book of male submission stories. My hubby was, and still is, really, really good. He doesn’t push me, he waits for me to come around to ideas and I think probably plants seeds of ideas and then waits patiently to see if/when I will bring it out as my idea. We have vanilla sex, which we both enjoy, I ask him to be dominant sometimes and he does that too (though it’s not really his thing) and he consistently says that whenever I want to be his Mistress, I can and he’s always up for that. And he is. I suspect that he read several guides on how to bring the woman in your life around to being your Mistress. I think that he saw something in me that I hadn’t recognized myself.

I’m not sure whether I’ve just struggled to find something that really worked for me, or whether I just needed time to get more comfortable with the idea of being a dominant. What I wanted, still want, is good quality fiction and pictures.  Stuff that can fuel my imagination that isn’t very extreme, badly punctuated or inelegantly presented. That rules out, oohh, about 98% of what I’ve found on the web. I’m not really into dungeons, harsh color pictures, PVC, or inflicting serious pain. I’ve found two things more recently which have fueled my imagination in very good ways. One is DD’s tumblr and a few other blogs/tumblrs. The other is books by Joey Hill, especially Natural Law. These things have really taken dominance from something that I enjoy but in many ways did for my husband, to something that I enjoy and want for myself. Or maybe it just took time. Who knows.

My hubby and I are still working out our power dynamic, our love life and what we want to do together. I hope that we always will be the case.

 

• Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

 

Yes, there’s definitely a connection. Putting it into absolutes is much more difficult. Ironically, I think that the link is the idea that men and women are equal. How the power dynamic works out between two (or more) people, it is down to personality/personal propensity rather than gender.

I get really outraged about women being treated disrespectfully/abused/under represented/etc. but tend to think that this is a problem with humanity rather than men. My hubby on the other hand has often expressed his opinion that women are the superior gender.

 

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive. How has that affected you?

 

It’s a funny thing, but looking back to before my husband, I really wanted to be a sexually liberated woman who took what she wanted. The result was almost always that I got to almost sleeping with a guy, then backed out. I almost told guys about my fantasies but then didn’t because I was worried that they would bruise his ego (the one about having two men, because one wasn’t enough, especially…). I think that’s partly because I’ve been concerned about being a ‘slut’ or being too ‘easy’ – even though I wanted to be!  Is that cultural pressure? Maybe.  And I’m considered fairly assertive. How difficult must it be for shy women?

In terms of being a dominant, there’s definitely an issue for me that I’m not entirely comfortable with myself as a dominant. I struggle to reconcile the part of me that’s a icy bitch with the more frequently used part which is caring and loving. I tend to yo-yo between the two, both in and out of the bedroom, depending on what else is going on.

I’m also quite afraid of the thought that I might be a sadist. Part of me is quite excited by violence – I find that very difficult to admit, even to myself, and even more difficult to think that it’s the perpetrator’s pov that I like (I’m definitely not a masochist (I have zero pain tolerance and get pretty upset with even being playfully slapped on the ass)). But there are really strong revulsion impulses in me against the idea that I might enjoy inflicting some pain on someone else.

Is any of this cultural? Maybe. I can see how maybe more positive dominant female role models would probably help this. I’m just very happy and grateful that I have a safe, consensual place with my hubby to work this out.

 

•  Are you involved in a community of like-minded people [locally, online, etc]?  If so, how is that experience for you? If not, have you avoided it purposefully?

 

We’re not involved with the kink community on or off line. Why not? – because I’ve never felt the need. Maybe I will one day – I wouldn’t rule it out altogether because that way leads to embarrassing u-turns.

 

•  Does being dominant in a non-sexual setting (work, etc.) energize you, does it turn you on?

 

I’m quite a strong, no messing-around, kind’ve person in normal life (I think that was one of the things that brought me and my husband together). I feel much more comfortable and happy in a position of equality or dominance, but it doesn’t especially turn me on, no. That’s not to say I’m immune to being turned on by a D/s sex at work scenario, but neither my nor my hubby’s work scene is conducive to it.

 

• There is a theory that we all have an innate preference for affection expressed in 1 or 2 of the following  5 ways which are called Love Languages. They are:   Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch (here is a link about these). Which of the love languages would say you prefer?

I’m a very wordy kind of person, so it’s not surprising that I like to be told in words. It’s a pretty common scenario that I will ask my husband:

“Do you love me?”

He will answer, “Of course I love you.” or something to that effect.

“Good.” is my usual reply.

That sounds kind’ve submissive but I don’t see it like that. I see being dominant as me taking control of making sure that my needs, and his, are met. So I just ask for what I want and he gives it to me.

The next most important to me is probably touching. I like touching a lot. Like, a lot. I will happily demand or sometimes barter for hugs and kisses.

I got my hubby to do the test, without telling him what it was about, or what I thought my preferences were. He came out very strongly a physical touch person. Neither of us is overly worried about gifts or acts of service. This all makes quite a bit of sense in terms of our D/s relationship – it’s much more to do with what we do together than service or gifts etc.