Compersion~ a guest post

I seriously love having other people do the heavy lifting around here.

To that end I have decided to publish a guest post by weezie, who by the way, is also responsible for the cleaner, easier-to-read template.

So, many thanks to weezie and here ya go!


I came across the idea of Compersion a few weeks ago as it drifted around the internet. I immediately jumped on Wikipedia to find out what it meant, and was taken off-guard. How had I not heard of this before?

The basic concept of the word is that it is the opposite of jealousy. So, if you break up with your significant other, and you are happy for them finding someone else – that’s Compersion. With a few leaps of logic you can extend it out to many facets of Kink – it seems like the whole concept of compersion might be mixed in with the mortar.

Here’s an example: As a submissive man, one of my personal kinks – the one most important to me – is keeping my partner happy. When a submissive’s happiness is dependent on their dominant’s happiness, and the dominant is happier (at least for some things) elsewhere… that’s a complicated event. It can hurt, but it can also be happy. Heck, if a dominant spends more time watching TV than paying their sub attention, it still has potential to be a good thing.

We just have to be careful not to venture into neglect territory.

It’s funny how society dictates how we should feel. When my past partners have smooched others, I felt a bit of happiness within me – but my mind reeled back through all the movies and TV shows I’ve seen over the years, and said “Wait! I should be angry! I should be scared! I should get upset! I SHOULD BE JEALOUS!” We are simply molds that are largely shaped by the society we live in.

I always felt that I could handle a poly relationship, in my gut. I couldn’t express why. Compersion has given me the answer. I don’t need to be the sole happiness-provider in a relationship, and I can truly, deep down, be happy with people pleasuring themselves elsewhere.

Now that I know Compersion exists, I can identify those happy feelings. I can give them a name, I can nurture them, and I can take my submission to a whole new level. Thanks, internet, for introducing this beautiful new word to me.

And look at that: I didn’t even have to talk about cuckolding, which seems to be all about this.

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29 responses to “Compersion~ a guest post

  • Mistress Lilyana

    I had a similar reaction when I first learned the word compersion. It’s a beautiful concept and I’m pleased to see you sharing it with others. I wish everyone understood compersion. The world would be a better place, I think.

    • weezie

      Mmmhmm, I believe so too. There must be a good chunk of the population that are *able* to experience Compersion, that simply do not because it feels “wrong” or “abnormal” in some way.

      The less jealousy we can manage, the better! (But, as mentioned below, it’s not for everyone)

  • Peroxide

    This is a topic, I’ve wanted to discuss, but haven’t brought up because I simply don’t understand polyamory, (I get that more fun bits are better than fewer but not how someone can be in love with more than one person.)

    “So, if you break up with your significant other, and you are happy for them finding someone else”

    This makes sense to me, being happy that someone you loved has found happiness, is all well and good.

    But, to even imagine that having a significant other express sexual or romantic interest, (perhaps more specifically intent or desire) in someone else makes me heartsick.

    It’s one of the most frequently espoused kinks that I can’t handle, I’m on board with putting my partners pleasure ahead of my own, however consenting to her taking pleasure elsewhere just kills me, I don’t get it, I don’t want it, and it makes me hesitant to approach a D/s relationship at all.

    But hey, if it works for you then I’m happy for you.

    • celticqueens_sub

      I couldn’t agree more with Peroxide’s words. Maybe I am old fashoined, but CQ and I are married and regardless of how we live our lives in terms of D/s the commitment to each other, that formal statement of such is to us an absolute statement of love and making each other happy. Where Peroxide says …hesitant to approach a D/s relationship…. The only thing I can say is that a D/s relationship does not mean that there are no rules of decorum and behaviour. The Domme does not just play the Domme card… and go do whatever they want, to me that is a breach of trust and an abuse of the gift of submission I would say almost abusive, perhaps? Ironically it goes right back to DD’s interview theme on devaluation of subs..

      I would say that if CQ felt she needed to find any form of relationship fulfilment, outside of our relationship then I would suggest the relationship was wrong and time to move on… and I would want her to be happy in the future. So … Compersion all round then.

    • weezie

      @Peroxide: I want to echo CQ’s sub here and say that D/s doesn’t require, or even often, have Compersion as a component! Don’t be hesitant to approach a D/s relationship just because of this article. This is a trait that I have, personally, and it happens to work well with *my* kinks. Heck, it might even be a source of my kinks!

      Apparently, most people in [happy] poly relationships are affected by a heavy dose of Compersion (even wikipedia mentions this). But there aren’t that many poly relationships in the world. Very few in fact. So that means it’s definitely not for everyone. :)

      To clarify my thoughts on polyamoury in particular: I COULD be happy in a poly relationship. I’d RATHER mean the world to a single person and get all their attention. :D

    • dishevelleddomina

      polyamory is not a required thing to be kinky. There are lots of people, like Celtic Queen and her sub, as well as some of the interviewees that are kinky and monogamous.

      I saw an article on a kinky resource entitled, In Defense of Monogamy. When I just googled I found a similar topic as addressed in the LA TImes but not the one I wanted. Sooo, I will go off memory. The point is, you are allowed to be monogamous and it has some definite benefits.

      I hadn’t heard of this til weezie started discussing it and I really was rather puzzled at first. When he broke it down and said he wants his partner happy, even if that doesn’t include him, my light bulb lit up… but in a very vanilla way.

      I know some people who have soooo much trouble being happy for their partner enjoying something, anything, without them. Like the gals who feel as though every second their husbands spend with a buddy, or watching sports is somehow something being taken from them instead of being happy for him that he is doing something he enjoys, though Weezie’s neglect caveat applies there too.

      Anyway, I get that compersion is meant to apply to the sexual realm but thinking of it in broader relationship terms is what made me go, Aaaaaah, NOW I get it!
      Now, in the sexual realm, many of us do apply some exclusivity rules but this idea, and weezie’s explanation of it, did help me understand something that is well outside my own experience.

      • Peroxide

        DD: polyamory is not a required thing to be kinky…The point is, you are allowed to be monogamous and it has some definite benefits.

        Right, I know that. Still, as I approach the realm of kink, so many of the resources (and much of the fantasy material) have a good deal to say about the advantages of non-monogamy.

        It’s talked about so frequently, that one can’t help but get the impression that “in the scene” it’s the norm. So, I’m glad to hear that I can be submissive, without having to share.

        (I have just had the most absurd analogy pop into my head, so I’ve got to share it.) It’s kind of like hearing about a great ice cream place that just opened, and everyone keeps saying they’ve got all the best toppings: Sprinkles, chocolate, walnuts, bananas, horseshit…

        I know I don’t have to have horseshit* on my sundae, but it freaks me out that it’s even an option, and a popular one at that.

        * once again, while i don’t dig on non-monogamy, if you do I don’t mean to imply that your relationship is horseshit, just that for me it is undesirable.

      • dishevelleddomina

        omigosh, Peroxide, you make me laugh.

        No, no, you don’t have to have horseshit on your ice cream. In fact, like many of us, you can just go buy your own ice cream and topping at the store and make your own sundaes.

        That is some funny stuff there, whew.

    • Stabbity

      @Peroxide – I have a theory that the non-monogamous kinksters are just the most vocal ones. There should be plenty of monogamous kinky people out there quietly doing their thing without telling everyone all about it. In short, you’re not weird for wanting a monogamous relationship.

      Also, the idea that declaring yourself dominant means that you get to do whatever you want without concern for your submissive’s emotional health is stupid and wrong (and I’ll be ranting about it more on my own blog sooner or later). Being in a non-monogamous relationship would clearly do you emotional harm, and only a horrible person would try to force that on you by calling it d/s. Just don’t date jerks and you should be able to try out d/s no problem :)

  • celticqueens_sub

    DD said….. compersion is meant to apply to the sexual realm but thinking of it in broader relationship terms is what made me go, Aaaaaah,….

    Now maybe my reply came across as meaning that I couldn’t bear CQ enjoying things on her own.. of course not, in fact this very week end I baby sat whilst she went an indulged her love of ancient wood land and nature trails, she’s a proper tree hugger! I was allowed a beer and sat and watched the German Grand Prix and did loads of nappies (diapers for you American’s!), both meet for a lovely dinner in the evening at a great pub with friends… and enjoyed discussing each others day.

    I think Weezies OP was excellent, very articulate and explained the view point fairly. But the reference to cuckolding at the end… its the elephant in the room. Nothing I have read on any forums has been positive about it. To be hugely honest, when I read these and the nightmare people get into, it makes me laugh sadly, what the f**k did they think was going to happen?

    Now someone will post and tell me how great it was for them.. Yeah really? I’m genuinely happy for you.

    • weezie

      I personally don’t subscribe to cuckolding; it’s right up there with scat and those other kinks that I don’t think will ever work for me (but am genuinely happy if you find solace in it).

      But, thanks to finding compersion, I finally “get” why cuckolding is tolerable to some :)

      Compersion isn’t a state of being. It’s an emotion like any other. My girlfriend sleeps around? I’m going to get jealous, because we are in a monogamous relationship; that would be a violation of my trust.

      But if we WERE to be in a poly relationship, I would be happy to see her off to another man – I trust that she will come back and that I am simply not perfect enough (who is?) to fulfill all her needs.

    • dishevelleddomina

      oooh, CQs, no no, I wasn’t referencing you in anyway with that bit about not being happy unless you are what makes your partner happy, and I don’t think your comment came across that way at all!
      My perspective on these things is very similar to yours so I was just attempting to explain to Peroxide how I processed the idea and made sense of it.

  • celticqueens_sub

    DD it wasn’t aimed at you, it was me just trying to clarify my own thoughts as much as anything else. I agree with your interpretation.

  • Unrepentant

    CQs said: “…commitment to each other, that formal statement of such is to us an absolute statement of love and making each other happy.”

    People can have that kind of commitment and love and still be non-monogamous. Love isn’t finite – ask any parent with more than one child. And just because someone might not automatically feel compersion right off the bat doesn’t mean they can’t experience it – like weezie said, jealousy and jealous behaviors are often trained into us, but usually those feelings have a root that can be addressed within the jealous person or the relationship. Compersion and happy non-monogamy are totally possible as long as everyone involved is honest and open and mature. Certainly it’s not for everyone, but I wish people wouldn’t rule it out just because they think jealousy is an impenetrable obstacle.

  • Unrepentant

    Also, weezie, I’m surprised you don’t have a blog…

    • weezie

      Thanks Unrepentant, again another person summarizes things more clearly than I can. :)

      I do have a blog – two or three of them in fact! But they aren’t kink related and I can hardly find the time to keep THEM up to date. I think I rather like this “roving vagabond” style blogging.

      Plus it’s good for my ego that a domme would want to publish something from lil’ ol’ me ;)

  • celticqueens_sub

    Unrepentant said…”People can have that kind of commitment and love and still be non-monogamous. Love isn’t finite – ask any parent with more than one child ”

    I have two kids and one wife.

    My love for my kids is TOTALLY different for love for a partner. Neither is finite. Without wishing to disparage any view. I could not diasagree with you more on that point I think you are comparing apples and oranges there, but I do agree about the open honest mature bit. In fact my belief is that D/s (and any relationship) can’t really work without that.

    unrepentant said: “People can have that kind of commitment and love and still be non-monogamous”

    I never said they couldn’t did I? If non monogamous relationships work for you then you are lucky and as long as you are happy, safe and secure then I too am happy for you. As I said and, as you quoted, “its an absolute statement of love and making US happy.” Us is the key word. It is up to you to do what makes you happy. I am not any authority on the subject. Who is?

  • Ayesha

    Now ponder this: Monogamy was also trained into us. If it works for u, u r lucky, but u could have done better :)

  • Celtic Queen

    Ayesha, balance that with earlier concerns that D/s somehow has an expectation of non monogamy. It isn’t “training” as such, more a group norm behaviour. Emotional honesty and intellectual clarity is needed to navigate through life and see through the culture and do what works for you and your partner. If that’s poly, mono or celibacy well, get on with it and learn not to look around seeking approval. I think culturally we are moving towards acceptance of different ways to live- albeit very slowly.

    • Ayesha

      Norms and values r carried on from one generation to another, from one group to another, from one individual to another. Sometimes they change cos of a crisis, idols of society, people daring enough so challenge them, etc. Most people i know, internalize them through education, indoctrination, fear, and sanctions, in the end believing they r their own, even created by them. Some r willing to die for them, or forced to do so!

      To change this isn’t easy, as there’s the phenomenon of “resistance to change”. People rather stick to what’s in their comfort zone, even when it’s a crappy one, than to allow significant changes. It’s one of the reasons monogamy is still in force in our society, even with a divorce rate of over 50% on average.

      “D/s somehow has an expectation of non monogamy.”? Maybe that’s true within the realm of vanilla d/s. In my circles we don’t even talk about stuff like that. We created our own norms and values. Hmmmm, no we didn’t, lol. Well not really. We simply live, keeping societal rules, laws, protocols, etiquette, norms and values, especially when they r of the moronic kind, as far from us as possible. Don’t get me wrong tho. I still am inclined to honor traffic lights.

      Um… case i’ve triggered ur interest, read for instance:

  • CQ's

    I still am inclined to honour traffic lights…. LOL. Probably best… Just in case the other vehicle is 40 ton artic truck doing 55 mph… Might sting a bit!

    • Ayesha

      Yes indeed, and to avoid horrible incidents like that once and for all, i once suggested to a bunch of traffic law makers to separate them trucks from luxury car traffic. Over here this would mean they would be forced to the right, while we would continue at the left side of the road. Of cors i found no hearing, as they too suffered from resistance to change :->

  • Celtic Queen

    Ayesha, whilst I am in broad agreement with you here – ie – blindly following group norms makes for a closed society, I dont think you can logically entail that high divorce rates are a result of cultural monogamy. Yes, resistance to change may stop people experimenting in new ways of creating society but actually, there are compelling reasons for monogamous ways of living creating a stable society. Questionable parentage damaging paternal bonds, female vulnerability during early child years – these aren’t cultural aspects. I think an expectation that a couple cling together in mutual misery for the duration of their natural lives is equally as damaging too. Some behaviours “stick” simply because they are the best compromises in a species that has evolved extraordinarily complex social behaviours.

    Hence my comment – do what you need to do that works for you and stop seeking approval.

  • Ayesha

    “……a stable society.”? I’m not so sure ours is that stable. And ….why should we want a stable one anyway?

    I hate compromises, as they keep all parties involved from getting what they really wanted to get.

    Seeking approval was never my thing, nor will it ever be. But oh boy, the ones that were/r seeking mine. Nauseating.

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