Interview # 16

My next interview is with Weezie. I am seeing a real benefit to service oriented kinks. This interview was completed so quickly, and well,  and the rollerblading is a definite plus!

• Describe yourself and your kinks.

I’m in my early 30s, and live a generally outgoing and dominant life. I run my own company and tend to “take charge” not because I want to – but because I am really annoyed by things going wrong and not getting fixed. Anyone who’s worked in an office with any sort of bureaucracy knows what I’m talking about. I’ve always been that way – wanting to make sure everything is in it’s right place, everyone is happy, and everything is running smoothly. That ties in a bit, but first…

On the Kink angle, I first became aware of it playing a first-person video game back in the early 90s, when I was a teenager. It was multiplayer, and my (female) opponent caught me without ammo. Instead of shooting me dead, she began parading me around the level at the end of a shotgun. It was exhilarating, wild, new, and I had no idea what to make of it at the time.

Fast forward ten years, to my late 20s, and I’d feel it again – this time exploring various online worlds out there. “Kink” was suddenly on my radar, and I began to explore! I met up with local munches, found friends, and tried out various parts of the lifestyle. Turns out I am deeply submissive, primarily on an emotional level. I love being bound, and find that a good rope wrangler can keep me in a state of bliss for hours. I am not bugged by blood or pain, but I wouldn’t call myself a masochist either… I do find pain intoxicatingly awesome when someone is deriving pleasure from it, however.

The same goes for just about anything else in life, though. My fetishes don’t end at BDSM-related topics. A saucy Domme wants her car washed? SIGN ME UP! It doesn’t matter if it’s pedestrian, sexual, or BDSM – any service at all, for the right person, becomes my favorite activity.

When someone loses (or hasn’t yet earned?) my respect, it’d be as if a stranger asked me to wash their car; impossibilium bordering on the offensive.

• You said your divorce could partially be attributed to kink. Would you be willing to enlarge on that?

Nothing too dramatic here. Let’s paint a scene:

So it’s my late 20s, and I’m learning all sorts of jaw-agape wide-eyed amazing things… Exciting things… and I when my spouse came home, I showed her and talked to her about many aspects of it, and she was getting excited too. Then she said “I’d like to try that submissive thing!” and my heart just sank.

It’s more of an anecdote; those funny little stories that come up in the process of life. Our Kink incompatibilities probably aided in ending the relationship, but was far from the sole cause. We’ve been apart now for a few years.

• You described your current activity with the kink community as living vicariously. How is that working for you?

I find I’m very, very picky when it comes to my partners in general. I have to be compatible with someone on a regular, personal level – kink is important, but secondary. I won’t “put up” with someone that’s incompatible with me just because they line up with my kink ideals. Mutual respect is a big hangup for me – that has to be there! And it’s hard to find Dommes that will respect me the same way I would respect them. (And that sentence sounded horrible, but after rewriting it a few times it didn’t get better. sorry if I offend anyone!)

As such, going to a “play party” or hanging out at the munches to pick up some late-night “fun” doesn’t appeal to me at all. I’m not in it for the sex or the thrills or anything; I’m in it for a deeper-seated, long-term high I can get from developing a respectful relationship. Of course, if you are into play parties and such that’s awesome! I wish it would work for me. I think my needs are just incompatible on a personal level.

My current girlfriend is amazing in all the right ways, but simply has no interest in kink. She had some at first, but after trying it out, her heart wasn’t in it. It’s the familiar story – you know, the one where she is willing to do anything for my happiness – but when my happiness relies on fulfilling someone else’s desires, that makes things recursively difficult to parse. In some of our longer discussions, things tend to turn philosophical.

So I still make it out to the occasional munch. I have some friends that still live the life, some local and some in distant internet-land, and it makes me happy to hear what others are doing. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t even a little jealous, of course.

• You mentioned mutual respect is important to you. Tell me your thoughts about submissive men being devalued.

When I think of the phrase “submissive men are devalued,” I think that means that the community in general has a feeling of devaluing our role and importance in a fundamental way. Even if an individual may like guys like us, they can’t help but have their perception even subtly changed upon learning our status. It is as if there is a fundamental loss of respect there. I put it in the same category of the opinions of women before they could vote, if you catch my drift – yes, I know that was much more serious and widespread, but I think the general feeling is the same: One of tolerance, and knowing/respecting that they are needed for society to function, but grossly undervaluing their abilities, contribution, intelligence, and other qualities.

A few times I have declared my status as a submissive man to a group (say, during introductions at a munch), and people have rolled their eyes or stopped talking to me. My opinions no longer matter. During discussions/debates at munches, I’ve made a smart, poignant remark – only to have it discarded as “yeah but that’s coming from his type.”

I understand where the sentiment originates; I think there’s a lot of… Well, how do I say it… Creepers? Snivelling selfish assholes who ruin the name “submissive men” for the rest of us? You know who I’m talking about. Those subs that are the subject of the Domme rants of “If I get one more email from these __adjective__ jerks!!!”.

It’s not a unique burden to submissives, too. Dominant folks are also pigeon-holed into the selfish-bitch-queen-from-hell-that-nobody-can-get-along-with slot. The type that takes no interest in who you are and just wants to boss you around for their own pleasure.

I think the difference is that Dominants have a thicker skin and a more commanding personality. It’s easy for a Dominant to overcome the prejudices and stereotypes of BDSM than it is for us thinner-skinned, often-shy submissives. So the only ones left to really speak up on our behalf are those that send those annoying email spams out to everyone with a pair of tits.

I apologize on their behalf. I really wish they’d stop.

• Are you involved in the online kink community?

I first discovered kink through the online community, and I try to stay in touch with old friends in various game worlds, IRC channels, and even sites like FetLife.

I find it hard to stay involved, however. Nearly everyone I’ve met up with is caught up in the bedroom-exclusive kinks, or only engage in scenes – in contrast to my desire, which is a more emotional, deeper set of understanding and control. It’s difficult to relate to anyone or share stories. Even talking with other submissives – I’ll say “Aw man I got the best hug the other day” and they’ll respond “oooh did it get saucy after??”… sigh.

It feels like I don’t really fit in. My wants and desires happen to be misaligned with the people I know and meet. I’m hoping it’s just a matter of luck and time to come across the right group of friends.

• You describe yourself as a service submissive. Would you give me your definition of that and how it works for you as a kink?

… I guess you’d say I could be described as a “service submissive?” I’m not sure how to qualify that. I like saying ‘service submissive’ because it puts the right kind of idea in the person’s mind, but it’s just a rough correlary. I’d hate to be a chaste butler full time, and I still like the occasional flogging, bondage, and other fancy new toys that come out – and yes, I do like the sex aspects.  I do adore doing chores and other menial tasks, for the right person.  But I don’t engage in kink as a means to get laid, or as a way to obtain better orgasms, and I definitely don’t view it as self-serving (unless you want to get all philosophical). That’s the key point for me.

Yes, kink is sexy; it’s all about sexual energy and manipulating it in interesting ways. I just want it to extend beyond the bedroom, beyond a scene, and to become an integrated part of life.

If I had to choose between Sex without Kink, or Kink without Sex for the rest of my life, and not both – I’d go with Kink without Sex.It’s tough to talk to people about that – most of the community views the definition of Kink & BDSM in a physically sexual context. Some say that kink without intercourse isn’t kink; and fair enough. Maybe there isn’t a word for what I am then? But we sure have a lot in common.

Anyway: I think service is an incorrect category for me. It’s just the best-fitting.

• If you were looking for like-minded people, to form your own club, what would be the most important points of agreement?

A focus on things other than sex. I think that sums it up.

To qualify that a little bit: Sex is awesome. It makes all things kink 10x better. But I think kink is worth doing even without sex because that sexual energy is still there, even if the naughty bits never come out.

But if every conversation revolves around the bedroom or getting off, as if kink was added on like a set of (albeit fancy) earrings.. that doesn’t appeal to me.

• You are not a big fan of protocol. Why?

You know how I don’t like bureaucracy and red tape? It all stems from a deep-seated hatred for inefficiency. If I can get you a plate of tea and biscuits in under 60 seconds, without spilling a drop, I think that’s much more desirable and generally “more awesomer.”

I guess I just don’t understand protocol. I don’t see the allure to it, and I can’t even imagine why anyone would see the allure to it, but I haven’t been particularly well educated or exposed in that area of things. I feel like I’m missing some key piece of information – because I know there are entire clubs built around the protocol side of kink! – but I’m not sure I’ll ever find it. I keep an open mind though!

In the meantime, I put on rollerblades to get that tea served as quickly as possible. Assuming you have hardwood floors of course.