It’s not you; it’s me.

If there are some readers of this post who are into female supremacy or are actively involved in a relationship they would describe as a Female Led Relationship please don’t take the following as a criticism of anyone’s choices, in fact…

for those happily engaged in any form of FLR, you might want to look away. I understand there are some fabulous things to look at over here.

Ok, I’m serious.

Contented FLR people should find something else to read now.

I really don’t want to offend you.

Look away.

Go on now,

ok, love you, buh bye!

Alright, now that they are gone I am going to just state how I feel about the whole thing without worrying about hurting their feelings. I’m sure they are super folks and not really the people being discussed below anyway. My problem is not with people doing their kink however it suits them, my problem is with absolutists.

This post is just an expression of my personal point of view and my preferences  (and was encouraged by Stabbity,  on a recent post about roughly the same ideas). It is also me rejecting the idea that there is a “ONE TRUE WAY” and the rest of us are either doing it wrong or poorly.

Thing is,

while I adore being dominant in the sexual arena (not just the bedroom), and I absolutely will not tolerate being manipulated or pushed around in ANY arena – I don’t really want to be responsible for another adult human being.

I married the man I did because he was attractive to me, he was also my friend, he was someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with,

(oh, to be young and all romantical, hmm?)

and I could see us going through life as partners, equals. We are both smart asses, good debaters, and incredibly hardheaded. He was someone I respected, liked, and wanted, and he reciprocated those feelings, so I was willing to say, Yes, this is the man I will live with, and agree with, or argue with, or persuade, or negotiate with, or be persuaded by for ever after.

Many of the girls I grew up with had a very different kind of relationship in mind. They couldn’t wait to marry some big, strong, handsome man who was much smarter and stronger than they were, and the unequivocal head of his household and master of his domain to whom they would submit fully, just as the Lord God intended. These were the same gal who mostly seemed to be under the impression their brain was there primarily there to prop their hair up. They had no intention of going to college. After all, there was no sense worrying their pretty little heads about any sort of higher learning nonsense. Womenfolk were honored with the high calling of making babies, cleaning house, and ensuring their men were properly cared for and treated like demi-gods.

Sound like a scene from the 50s?

Yah, I know, but the very conservative fundamentalists do rather have that stale, outdated aroma about them.

**rabbit trail**

I remember in my early teen years, during the mid-80s, there was a particularly popular speaker who graced us with his hell-fire and damnation preaching. He warned us against dance halls and disco parlors (among other super sinful things, like contemporary Christian music, or worse yet, “rock n’ roll, ” rebellious wimmen runnin’ all over town in them blue jeans, Hollywood movies, and ERA-supporting liberals who were trying to ruin Ahmer’ca).

Dance halls and disco parlors though, seriously?? WTF??

The only way I could have generated anything but contempt for the man was if his finale was to break out into a rousing chorus of, “We got trouble, right here in River City” and he then revealed it was all an elaborate Candid Camera prank. That did not happen.

**/rabbit trail**

Anyway, these girls became women, some of them happily homeschooling the 18 children who popped out of their clown car, I mean, vagina, and others ended up miserable and confused because their wedded lord and master was abusive, or unfaithful, or an asshole, or whatever, but of course it would be dreadfully selfish, if not sinful, to leave the man. No, no, a good wife will just love and forgive and pray for the dear man.

Soooooo, yah, I have damage.

I acknowledge this, and that damage is very much responsible for my feelings about relationships that are not egalitarian at their core.

I am very leery about relationships that are not firmly based on an understanding of absolute equality.

I completely reject the notion that external genitalia makes anyone more inherently qualified to make decisions. It offends me when people behave as though it does.

Nor can I accept the corresponding idea, that someone with internal genitalia is somehow better qualified.

Now, any woman who wants to submit to her man and let him run the show is more than welcome to do so, of course, and men who want to do the same with their women are equally entitled. If they even want to go so far as to embrace some supremacy ideology, well, that too is their decision but there are some very sinister things lurking in the shadows of that line of reasoning. If one gender is inherently superior to another, than why not one race? Hideous, inhuman behaviors have been justified by right of assumed superiority. The following warning applies despite the fact these are well-charted waters;

here be monsters.

So, now I will set aside the femsuprem thing and talk about just female led relationships. Here is one of my concerns, and it based on my personal experience and opinion- people who want someone to run their life for them are sometimes looking to abdicate their personal responsibility,  which is not a healthy tendency and rarely makes for a healthy relationship.

For example, when I hear (or read) that some sub really needs his/her dominant partner to call and make sure s/he is doing his/her chores I get a little squicked out.

You know who I have to call and remind to do their chores? My children!

It is a sign of maturity that my elder son no longer requires that sort of prompting on a regular basis.

Live and let live, sure, but it does weird me out, ok. That is just my reaction.

Also (and here we move even further into the realm of my own personal issues about volition and manipulation)

there is sometimes this undercurrent of,

“I don’t want to deal with the actual demands and responsibilities of being a grown up in the world and in a relationship and so I will opt for this other kind of relationship that basically entitles one partner to perpetual immaturity in exchange for obedience, and the other partner gets all the control and all the responsibility.”

I know the argument could be made that it is wonderfully self- sacrificial for the sub to devote themselves in this way, blah blah blah. There are blogs and books that proclaim how great it, and I know that is how some people see it. For couples who find that life style to meet their needs, (who shouldn’t be reading this anyway, they were told to go look at pretty pictures) I wish them well. Maybe if my damage were different a female-led relationship would be more appealing or, who knows, maybe even a male-led one would apppeal (though that stretches credulity for me, unless we are talking about a major head injury). Nevertheless, couples who have forged any functioning and fulfilling relationship deserve a round of applause; it’s hard work!

BUT

here is my biggest problem with it,

I fucking HATE IT when it is implied that a FLR is the sole rightful culmination of femdom and anything else is something less.

For those who find it fits their mutual neuroses and kinks I am sure a FLR is a lot of fun and very fulfilling (that isn’t a slam, we ALL seek relationships that will fit our neuroses and kinks)

but for some of us it is not an appealing option at all.

I love that my fucktoy and I walk through life as equals but when it comes to our love life, there is no question about who will call the shots. He wants to submit to what I want. It is not a function of worth, or gender. It is sexual. It is about what turns us both on and how that dovetails together. We continue to grow, and experiment, and learn new things but our power dynamic is very stable, and we are both very happy with it.

It bothers me a lot that there might be a proto-dominant woman who doesn’t WANT to be in a female led relationship but is only hearing the nonsense about it being The Right Way.

It is not the right way, it is just one possible way. Being a dominant woman does not mean you “should” be in charge of everything all the time or you don’t reeeeeeeeally qualify for the title.

If a FLR is what works for you, well, go for it,

but if not, throw the bullshit flag, sister.

It is your party and you can play anyway that works for you and your partner!