Interview #1

The much discussed day has finally arrived. Here is my very first interview with a woman who likes to call the shots, at least  from time to time.

I have several more interviews in various stages of preparation and I am looking forward to sharing those with you too. There is a lot of variety represented so far, and I am hopeful that more women will be willing to join in and be interviewed as part of this little project.

I have women who switch, women who lovingly direct (without dominating) their love life, and women who dominate professionally, as well as in their personal lives.

The idea behind these interviews is to help sketch more accurate portraits of women who like to take the lead and if that description suits you— we should talk, but first,

let’s read what my first brave victim has to say for herself.

——-

Ladies and gents, it is my honor to introduce you to Lily.  She was kind enough to answer my enormous list of questions and EVEN BETTER, she is willing to answers your questions too. If you have any questions at all, please feel free to ask them in the comment section. Lily also has a blog, which you should probably read. Lily is married, has two kids, and… what a wild kinkster, she even claims to have a while picket fence!

Here she is.

 

•   How would you describe yourself, your sexual tastes, and your power exchange preference?

 

I’m someone who really enjoys intensity in sexual encounters.  As a teenager, I used to be perplexed by the fact that I wasn’t turned on at all by the kind of hearts-and-flowers romance that made my peers swoon.  I would say that the core of my sexuality is rough sex — emphatic and passionate.

 

One of the things I love the most about kink is quite simple: it makes sex take longer.  Setting up and executing a scene can take hours from beginning to end.  I like to call that kind of sex “Sunday Dinner sex”  – it’s a meal that takes hours to cook and should be enjoyed at table for several hours more.   There’s nothing wrong with a quickie, but I wouldn’t want a diet composed entirely of fast food any more than I’d want a sex life composed of twenty minute encounters.

 

As far as my power exchange preference goes, I am a switch.  I am hoping that the Buddhists are correct in their speculations about the afterlife, so I can come back as a gay leatherman and do the whole thing where I work myself up to being a top by starting as a submissive boy.  Hawt!  In my life, I started out as a bottom, and became involved in a relationship with a submissive woman later.   My experiences as a bottom certainly inform my practice as a top.

 

Coming into my own “style” as a top has been a very surprising and rewarding experience.  I did not go into my relationship with my girlfriend with a fixed identity as a top — I had no title, and I’m not sure what kind of “style” I had other than the fact that I am in real life a very take-charge person and it felt wonderful to have someone really enjoy that in a sexual context.

 

During some play, my girlfriend called me “Daddy” in an almost offhand way, and I really didn’t even think about it; what popped out of my mouth was, “Yes, sweetheart?”  She clearly saw something in me that I didn’t see myself, but now seems very obvious.  I have two children, and now when I look at how I interact with them I realize how much “Daddy energy” I have — although I’m female, I’m the one that gave them all that rubber tubing to make a giant slingshot, and I’m the one that loves roughhousing and physical play.

 

 

• How did you discover your power exchange preference?

 

My earliest sexual fantasies involved bondage and anonymous sex.  So I was a kinky little fucker from the very beginning.

 

I never spoke to anyone about my fantasies, because I assumed that no one I knew shared them, and that the people who did were probably way too dangerous for me to have a relationship with.  My ideas about my sexuality were heavily shaped by media, and it didn’t help that television generally presents shibari as a kind of macrame for serial killers.  And I was discovering my sexuality before the advent of the Web, so I didn’t have access to really any information at all about BDSM outside of fleeting scenes in movies and books.

 

 

 

• *Tell me what it is about submission and domination that appeal to you.

 

I grew up in an environment where power — and abuse of power — were front and center.   One of the reasons I’m attracted to D/s is that it’s a kind of magical replay, one that lets us create a world where the use of power creates outcomes that are very different than the ones we usually see in the real world.  In BDSM, we might render someone completely vulnerable, binding them hand and foot and then beating them — and the outcome is an orgasm and aftercare.  The outcome of being vulnerable in the real world is rarely that positive.  I find this scenario — the use of power and force with pleasure and love as an outcome — so compelling that I repeat it again and again.  I don’t think I’ll ever tire of it.

 

 

• Describe your ideal partner, and your ideal relationship?

 

Sexual attraction is such a mystery.  If you see a couple’s sexuality as a pair of overlapping circles, I think many people think that sexual compatibility is about the area where both of you overlap.  I used to think that too, but I’m coming to think that sexual attraction is about the areas where you *don’t* overlap — in short, we’re attracted to partners who will take us where we simultaneously long and fear to go to.  Many of the things that I now find most rewarding about my sex life are things that weren’t even part of my fantasy life at all five years ago.  My partners discovered those things in me.   So when someone asks me what my ideal partner or relationship is, the honest answer is, “I don’t know, but I think the people for whom I experience strong sexual attraction do.”

 

Along those lines, when I was younger, I certainly imagined being in a relationship with a stern, authoritative dominant.  But I think I have the partners I have for a reason.  Sometimes what we fantasize about and what we need are two different things.

 

As far as ideal relationships, I feel so lucky.  Growing up, I heard so much bad news about the lives of kids who grew up in difficult circumstances that I wondered whether I would ever have a happy relationship, or a family, and now I have that and more.

 

I really enjoy sharing a home with my family — my husband and my two children — and we have both enjoyed the kind of excitement that can come from exploring a new partner.    The polyamory bit has worked out much better than I ever expected.  But my husband would say that pretty much everything works out better than I expect, which is kind of true!

 

 

• Would you say your domination and submission are both parts of you, or are they something that you do?

 

I think dominance and submission are inextricably bound up with my sexuality — and my sexuality is certainly part of me, so I’d have to say that D/s is more than something I do.  Back when I wasn’t doing or even admitting to wanting to do anything with D/s,  I really suffered in ways I didn’t realize had anything to do with sex.   I had no idea what a big impact getting right with my sexuality would have on the rest of my life.   I used to be so angry and frustrated; and I also suffered from periodic depressions.  I didn’t connect that to the kind of rigid, self-imposed suppression of my sexuality until I stopped repressing it, but the simple fact is that I’m a lot happier and healthier now.

 

 

•  Do you think there is a connection between feminism and femdom? If so, how would you characterize it?

 

Oh, this is such an interesting question; but it’s one that I mostly grappled with as a woman bottoming to a man.  When I made the decision to start trying to be less guarded about my native sexuality, one of the things that held me back was that I felt certain that the kind of sex I found genuinely thrilling was going to cause Gloria Steinem to pound on my door and personally demand my National Organization for Women membership card back.  I’ve found it very difficult to reconcile my feminism and my interest in power exchange, and really, I never have.

 

As a switch in a polyamorous relationship, I bottom to a man and top a woman, and in my relationship with my girlfriend,  I’ve generally avoided feminine honorifics like “Lady,” or “Mistress.”   I’m sure that some feminists would find the fact that I bottom to a man but top women, and when I top I’m often addressed as “Daddy” or “Boss” would make them think that I associate power exclusively with masculinity.   That’s actually not true — for me, it’s basically a result of circumstance.  I’m switchable, but my partners aren’t, so unless I take another partner I don’t have the opportunity to top a man or to bottom to a woman.

 

My persona as a top is shaped by my own sense of my true gender:  I’m female, but not particularly girly, and I just don’t have the wardrobe to go along with ultrafeminine titles like “Lady” or “Mistress.”  (That’s said tongue-in-cheek, as certainly I realize that a woman who claims those titles needn’t have a corset to go with them).

 

• The cultural image of women who prefer to take the lead sexually is rarely positive, and female submission can have its problems as well. How has that affected you? Do the cultural messages about one bother you more than the other?

 

You know, in the social circles I operate in — white, educated, upper-middle-class, and politically liberal — bisexuality and “kinky play” in the bedroom are an eyeblink.  The two things that would be huge, crashing showstoppers are A) non-monogamy and B) that I have relationships in which I choose to be obedient,  or have someone be obedient to me.  The idea of an egalitarian relationship — where power is shared equally — is so ingrained in our culture that many people think that someone who gives up control must be a “doormat” who needs self-esteem training, and that a person who prefers being in charge must either be a jerk or a potentially dangerous person with serious mental health issues.

 

Many of my vanilla friends simply can’t wrap their mind around inviting someone into your life as a good influence — someone who might make sure you go to the gym, or help you form new habits.  They get a little fixated on the discipline part of the dynamic that goes along with some such relationships.   They’ll readily accept the notion that I like to tie someone up and give them a thorough working over with a flogger — but the idea that one person might make another one take their vitamins is WEIRD.  What a strange culture we live in!

 

Probably because I’m bottoming to a man and topping a woman — and thus not challenging too many stereotypes about gender and power on a surface level,  I generally don’t get the “you must be an ice queen/your male submissive partner must be a wimp” feedback that I know so many female dominants in relationships with men get.  I’m sure if I ever have a relationship with a male submissive, I’ll run headlong into just those issues.

 

• Could you see yourself topping a man?

 

Sure.  If I had a play-partner size hole in my life, gender wouldn’t be a deal-breaker.

• I am one of those people you mentioned who has no trouble with the tying up and whatnot but isn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of telling anyone when and how to work out and the only people whose vitamin intake I monitor would be my children. The only model I have mentally sketched out for that level of direction is a parent/child model.  I am hoping you will expand on this idea because it is one that has come up before and I have a feeling there is something about it I don’t really understand.

 

One of the most transgressive elements of BDSM once it leaves the confines of the bedroom is that it can mess with our idea of what it means to be an adult.   In our society, making choices is what makes us an adult.   Tellingly, many of the criticisms  of  a relationship where one partner makes some choices for the other partner by mutual consent involve characterizing the submissive as “immature,” “childlike,” or “running away from adult responsibilities.”

 

Yet, this is the same society in which it’s entirely acceptable to see a therapist for advice on how to straighten out our lives, or hire a personal trainer to boss us around mercilessly at the gym.    So, we’re comfortable with other people telling us what to do, even in very private areas such as our mind and body — but only if they come under a cloak of expertise, and only if we can fire them.  Are we really so much better off when we ignore the many native sources of intelligence or skill closer to home?

 

One fear that lurks here is the fear of creeping dependency.  I certainly know plenty of people who resent others’ dependency on them — and to me, one of the core reasons for that they were never asked to give their consent to support that person, or they did give it long ago, but now the growing burden and lengthening time has eclipsed their consent.

 

This style of play is interesting because it’s one where negotiating the top’s consent is so much more complicated than it usually is.  It’s easy, I think, for a top to be drawn in to a discipline dynamic by an eager sub with fantasies about how it will work, and end with a frustrated and resentful top.

 

With the of out-of-the-bedroom exchanges I have had with my girlfriend, I entered into them with my full consent.  We choose only very focused, discrete things to work on.  I choose not to do anything that seems “perpetual”; we always have time limits.  My “win condition” is that we have a shared idea of where we want to end up, we get there in a month or two, we declare victory and I drink champagne out of her bellybutton while she’s bound to a coffee table.

 

If I began to feel resentful, or if the experience started to erode my confidence in and respect for her, I would discontinue what we were doing immediately, and I would expect my girlfriend to treat that with the exact same amount of respect I treat her limits and her safeword, that is: total respect.

 

Now that we’ve actually done it, I have to say, my outside-of-the-bedroom exchanges with my girl have not led to wholesale regression to childhood.  Nor did we suddenly stop having sex because we felt like we’d morphed into parent and child, rather than lovers.  What a relief!  :)    I don’t feel burdened, and my respect for her is entirely intact, indeed, even enhanced by how brave and diligent she is, even when no one is looking.

 

For any top who is thinking about having a discipline dynamic as part of their relationship, I’d say this: Never assign something you can’t easily monitor. (And I mean REALLY easily — the information should come to you, you shouldn’t have to go get it).   Make time limits for everything.  Be honest about what will make you feel resentful or burdened.  It doesn’t matter if it would be easy for you to do: if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it.  Stick to your guns; tops get to have limits too, and you shouldn’t have to engage in any style of play that makes you feel rotten.  Your consent matters.

 

I wrote about this, back when it was new to us, in an essay entitled Just Do What I Say, where I talk about what I find personally rewarding about it from my perspective as a top.

 

•  Are you involved in a community of like-minded people [locally, online, etc]?  If so, how is that experience for you?

 

I am, both online and offline.  When I started enacting some of my long-held fantasies about D/s in real life, I started writing a journal about it on the “Facebook for kinky people” site Fetlife.com.  And in-person gatherings of kinky people were vital, in part because they allowed my husband to see that leather chaps were, indeed, optional.

 

My encounters with the public scene have been limited to plain-clothes gatherings of kinky folk in public places like restaurants or coffeeshops, and classes given by members of local leather associations like the New England Leather Alliance or MOB Boston, a group aimed at women of all sexual orientations interested in BDSM.    I’ve never been to a club night or to a play party.  I tend to avoid events that would require me to dress up, because one of my big problems with BDSM is that I never know what to wear (chuckle), and I don’t really like loud music — I like to talk to people.  I would certainly go to a play party if the right opportunity came along.

 

Since I have a pretty busy life,  I only attend events every other month or so, but I do enjoy them.  One event we never miss is the Fetish Fair Fleamarket (how I wish it had a better name), which started out as a vendors’ event for all your whips and chains needs, and has expanded into a three-day event with over 100 classes, dances, and even a fashion show.  That’s coming up next weekend and I’m really looking forward to it.

 

• There is a theory that we all have an innate preference for affection expressed in 1 or 2 of the following  5 ways which are called Love Languages. They are: 
• Words of Affirmation -Quality Time- Receiving Gifts- Acts of Service- Physical Touch-  Here is a link if you want to explore this more. Which of the love languages would say you prefer?

 

Oh, I’m absolutely someone who lives through her ears; what people say is extraordinarily important to me.  What’s interesting is that I’ve often chosen people of few words as partners.  I wrote an essay, “Lines,”

about an exchange with my girl, Holly, recounting an exchange between us in which I told her that I didn’t ask her why she never said ‘I love you,’ because after more than a year of being together, I figured that meant one of two things: either she didn’t feel it, or she had the ‘sex but no love’ agreement with her husband, and either way, it wasn’t good news for me.

 

She said that she distrusted words; that people used them to cover up their deeds, and that to her, a word was ‘just a collection of lines.’  They’re so much more than that to me.  She also said, “If you don’t know how I feel about you from what I do, then I’m doing something wrong.”

 

It was one of those conversations where I kept thinking about clever retorts days afterward.  Holly is a visual artist, so one of the ones I thought of was “If that’s true, isn’t all art just a collection of lines?”  I’m glad I didn’t have an instant reply.

 

Ultimately, Holly did say “I love you” on her own terms.  That’s something that can never be compelled.

 

 

• How does pain play work for you emotionally and mentally?

 

To me, topping — that is, physically commanding someone in a sexual context — is a lot like getting to drive a powerful sportscar or fly a private plane: I get the opportunity to be in charge of something extraordinarily powerful.   It’s thrilling.

 

It’s also a more intellectual and visual thrill than I find bottoming to be — to me, bottoming is intensely visceral and emotional; I spend a lot of time with my eyes closed, and to me a good scene as a bottom is about getting to a place where I don’t have to (or can’t) think, and for me, the gateway to many of those states is pain play.

 

Of course, just because I enjoy those kinds of scenes doesn’t mean that I assume any bottom would like what I like.  But I think it’s easier for me to imagine and accept the idea that someone wants me to flog them or paddle them or pour hot wax on them, because I like all those things too.

 

The other thing that makes it easier for me to engage in pain play scenes as a top is that I’m fully aware that tops can have limits too.  For example,  I never intentionally play in ways that will leave marks the next day,  whether a bottom is okay with that or not, because I prefer not to.

 

 

• How you cope with the disparity of being a nurturer as a parent, etc. and someone who enjoys tying up another person and using a whip, etc.?

 

You know, I got to the grand old age of 35 before attempting or even mentioning the kinds of sex acts that I found truly alluring, and one of the reasons why was because I held an erroneous belief that the kind of sex I enjoyed and wanted to have was in conflict with being a wife or a mother.

 

Finally, I just did it, and the world didn’t fall apart the next day.  So I kept doing it

 

 

• How does domination and submission fit into other aspects of your relationships?  

 

I think “in the bedroom” or purely sexual BDSM is fabulous. I do not think that other forms of BDSM are somehow “more” or “better.”  Power dynamics are good only to the extent that they improve the lives and correspond to the desires of the people in them.  It is really up to us.

 

I wouldn’t characterize either of my two relationships as 24/7, because I think that would give people a completely erroneous idea of what our lives are like.  Each of us is a busy, independent adult with a profession.   It’s just that what started in the bedroom didn’t stay there, as it so often doesn’t.  We regard the out-of-the-bedroom elements of our power exchange as playful reminders of our deep affection for each other.  It’s also a private reminder of our dynamic that helps us feel connected when we are apart.

——————-

Ok, there it is!

Thanks for the answers, Lily. If you have questions for her, don’t forget to leave them in the comment box. I will expect everyone to be polite to my guest, and I expect to have no problems on that count.

Gals, if after reading this you are willing to let me ask you a couple questions, please email to let me know, thanks!

Yer not the boss of me!

Over on Tumblr I follow quite a few photo blogs and I am once again annoyed and feel the need to vent.

I am sooooo deeply tired of the posts that come across my dashboard containing statement like…

“Every domme should be able to swing a paddle like this,” or

“a princess will not always let her knight orgasm,” or

“a real mistress will lock her husband up, throw away the key, and fuck other men,” or

“Inspections are one of the things that a true Mistress knows how to do correctly.”

It is such BULLSHIT! It bugs me  that it is necessary to wade through all that in order to find some decent femdom porn.

GGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRR

Here is what I want to add to every single one of those idiotic commentaries,

“Not being a fuck-witted, self-absorbed prescriptive asshole is something a truly human person knows how to do.”

They don’t deserve the attention, and I doubt they would find it instructive, but it might make me feel marginally less annoyed.

 

 

Not every dominant woman WANTS to stand about inspecting some fanciful ninny and his tumescence. Not every dominant woman want to fuck around on her partner, and, interestingly enough, there are some of us who really enjoy fucking our husbands (or fiances, or boyfriends) .

 

I’m so glad when I shut down the browser and head into my bedroom I am not dealing with the sort of garbage.

Instead, I have a man who made me tea this evening, then drew a bath for me, mindful of my temperature preference, and who got in with me despite the fact it was far hotter than he likes, just because I wanted him in the tub with me. He stayed up later than he planned so he could massage my neck for me and pleasure me in some of my favorite ways while I did some of my favorite things, and then he kissed me good night and went to sleep.

 

Open letter to Tumblrs,

if you want to share your experiences or your desires— awesome. Tell what you like, what you’ve done, what you’d like to do, what you hope and dream about.

BUT if you try to fucking boss people around or tell us what we ought to like or do I am going to want to stab you in the jimmy, or vajayjay, respectively.

Please stop this deeply annoying shit and try to grow an awareness of something other than your own wank-bank.

Thank you, etc.

DD

By Jove, I think I’ve got it.

Don’t you just love having the same conversation over and over? Yes? Good, read on.

A little bit ago we were again discussing how things work around the dishevelled domicile, in terms of who is in charge.  Somehow the topic came up in chat a day or two ago with a pal and in that conversation I finally landed on what I think is a reasonably good analogy.

My man is the head of state but it is a puppet government. I’m delighted to leave him all the policy issues, diplomatic responsibilities, and parliamentary procedures as well as the effort that goes into maintaining a government. Rather him than me!

His decisions can fall anywhere within my fairly permissive (nearly Sinatra Doctrine) policies— and there is pax domina.

Ladies who Lunch

Yesterday I met a friend I haven’t see for ages for lunch. I showed up 2 minutes early in jeans, boots, and a sweater. She entered exactly on time in a swirling black cape.  A cape!  And the weird thing is, it looked GREAT on her. She was wearing a very elegant ensemble under the cape, black turtleneck, grey slacks, heels, and white gold  jewelry accents. Her hair was cut in a  sleek, asymmetrical bob as compared to my sort of wild looking, tangled mass of curls. She is not necessarily a beautiful woman, but she is pretty, and stylish, and most importantly, a loving human being, which gives a person a glow which cannot help but be attractive.

She knew the waitress, of course, and soon we were seated next to the fireplace with glasses of wine and a plate of canapes. My friend, lets call her… Marie, Marie then proceeded to demonstrate why I love her so. She and I haven’t had a chance to see each other in about two years. We keep up on Facebook a bit but our lives are both rather full.  Nevertheless, as we caught up she remembered details of our previous conversations and Facebook updates about important events of the last two years  in a way that cannot help but be heartwarming. As we were discussing the menu she mentioned that last year she had been diagnosed with celiac disease. She refused to accept that she had to eat gluten free because it is such a fad to do so right now. She really, really didn’t want anything to do with all the “G-Free diet” nonsense that is so prevalent and ridiculous right now.  In fact, until the results of an intestinal biopsy confirmed the diagnosis she refused to stop eating wheat. This resulted in some unfortunate incidences.

One day, deeply in denial about what her insides had going on, she set out for a full day’s rounds of appointments and errands, including an amazing Italian lunch date with some clients. As she was on her way home, suddenly her digestive tract was very insistent about evacuating… immediately. She was determined to wait until she was home. On the way she encountered school buses, road construction, farm equipment, garbage trucks, and street hockey games. Each encounter was described as she elaborated on the gut-wrenching, and body-contorting that resulted from each delay. Her normally calm and reasonable demeanor was transformed as she sweated, and clenched, and shook her fist while cussing at things which would usually get no reaction at all. All those delays however, resulted in her not quite making it home before her body made a decision about which her mind was completely unhappy.

She finally reached her neighborhood, slid into the driveway, jumped out and ran around the back of her house where she could get out of her now odoriferous slacks without making a mess in the house. She stripped from the waist down and used water from her hot tub to take care of cleaning things up. She was stalking around muttering, and trying to find something to wrap her clothes in so she could toss them into the trash when she looked happened to notice a neighbor up the hill, with a view of her backyard, was watching her stalk around her yard, throw things around, with no pants on. The neighbor’s expression of horrified amazement combined with the entire situation finally proved too much and she claims she lost her marbles just for a second. She smiled broadly and waved enthusiastically at the neighbor then turned and sauntered to the closest cover, the privacy wall around the hot tub.

She realized she’d left her keys, cell phone, and purse in the car (in full view of a bunch of OTHER neighbors) and the house was locked. Her husband was due in about fifteen minutes though and so she decided to just strip off the rest of the way and soak in the hot tub til he got home. When he got home he saw her car in the drive with the driver’s door wide open and the gate to the back yard open as well. He went into the backyard and found Marie in the hot tub naked. Naturally, he was immediately hopeful. Obviously, it did not go as he hoped.  Marie greeted him by saying they needed a new grill cover (she’d used it to wrap her clothes and thrown it in the trash), she was now willing to schedule the intestinal biopsy, oh, and by the way, would he mind taking a look up the hill to see if the neighbor was still out on his deck.

By the end of this story I was laughing so hard I was crying. On the one hand, this is far from typical lunch conversation for either of us, but damn, that was some funny stuff! Especially since it was Marie, the epitome of class and organized elegance.  We went on from there to order lunch (gluten-free wood-fired pizza for her) and talk for a couple more hours. It was delightful. We talked about carpooling, kids, real estate (her business), sex (she is very vanilla, happily so, knows I’m not, but that’s about as far as it goes), single payer health insurance, and the British show, Top Gear.

This is obviously not really a post about kink. I just wanted to share a story I found very amusing and I wanted to mention something about the part of my life which has precious little to do with sex, kink, etc.

80%- 90% of my life is about keeping my children alive, teaching  and assisting them regarding how to function in the world, maintaining a household, doing my own work, trying to carve out some time to enjoy my family and my friends, getting some exercise, and on a slow day, maybe fitting in a bit of television, stickning, or movie going. It’s not all whips, chips, chains, and dips around here and that is fine with me. Going to lacrosse games don’t make for great kinky blogging, nor does the rest of my social life. Last night I went to a friend’s house with some other girlfriends and we had pork roast, wine, turtle pie, and a great time chatting, laughing, and enjoying her great view of the Puget Sound. This morning my husband and I went to brunch with a couple we’ve know for years and had a really good visit, in part commiserating about caring for elderly parents and the joys and trials of teen drivers.

Anyway, I know it’s not a revelation really, but I think it’s important to point out, despite the fact that I mostly talk about sex here, my life is not mostly about sex, but many of the good parts are!

FYI, I’ve avoided certain words and phrases that will attract attention from people whose areas of interest do not align with my own. If you use those words and phrases in the comment section I will delete them. I do not want Google directing people here if they are searching those words in the context of sexual behavior. Thank you.

Personality, thinking styles, and kink.

Many people have at least a passing familiarity with the MB personality types.  One of the related things I find more useful is learning and thinking styles. In these matters, the key words would be abstract/concrete and random/sequential.

Below is a handy guide and here is a very brief  intro, in case you are that kind of person. Anthony Gregorc is primarily responsible for this particular dividing up of humanity and it can be connected to right brain and left brain thinking.

Having worked with students I’ve found this helpful in developing ways to help students work together and face their individual challenges. For example, it isn’t easy for a sequential thinking student to process directions from a random thinking teacher because logical progress is not necessarily a value they both share.  Helping students work out what they need, and how to ask for it when they aren’t getting it, is really rewarding. The very sequentially thinking young man I was coaching the other day didn’t understand why his very abstract random teacher wasn’t explaining her assignment expectation in a way that made sense to him. Realizing that not everyone thinks the same way you do, it can help you figure out how to negotiate for what you need.

On a lengthy drive that afternoon I started wondering though, might thinking and learning style pattern related to power-exchange preferences. Might left-brained thinking correlate with one preference?

MB personality-wise, I test out as an INTP or an ENTP, depending on which test I take, or perhaps the day on which I take it. As for the characteristics above, I am an abstract sequential learner/thinker. I am married to an ESTJ who is a concrete sequential thinker.

Then I started thinking about the mountain of variables. I mean, sure— genetics has to be given its due as an influence, brain hemisphere preference is not really a nurture factor, that is all nature, but the fact remains that our experiences influence how we think and learn, and our experiences absolutely influence sexuality. So disregarding causation which is too thorny a subject for me to want to get near it, might there be a correlation?

Yah, I don’t know… but it kept me awake long enough to drive home safely, so that was nice.

“Now was that bitchy, or a dick move?”

Here at the dishevelled domicile (which actually is a bit dishevelled at the moment, due to a very busy weekend) we have been having another round in an ongoing conversation regarding gender roles.

 

From time to time we have gone to counselling or engaged in conferences and whatnot to generally increase our overall bliss in the whole being wedded thing. Some of these efforts have been damage control but more often they are preventative maintenance. Some marriage events are better than others, but we do what we can.

This is a great idea, and really good for your relationship if you don’t mind sitting around for a couple hours at the beginning of these events listening to someone tell you that women are like ABC and men are like DEF when it turns out that you are more like a CDE yourself and your spouse is something along the lines of an EFA.

 

“It is important to women that the house be tidy.” – Nope, that is him.

“Women notice when things are out of order and assume you have seen it too.” – Nope, that is him.

“Women,  you need to ask your husband more than once if you want him to hear you.” – Nope, he gets it the first time. If he needs ME to get something done though, he is probably going to have to ask more than once. Especially if I was reading, or surfing the net, or focusing on something, or thinking, or whatever… I didn’t hear him.

I am the channel surfer; he prefers to camp on a single station. I am a mission shopper, if I have to go-  it better go quickly; he loves to browse.

I hate to cook; he sees it as a creative outlet.

My desire for sex doesn’t really drop off based  on my emotional state. More often it goes, I’m sad- I want cheering up sex.  I’m happy- let’s have celebratory sex! I’m pissed- let’s have angry sex.  I’m stressed out- we should have stress-release sex. This is a bit non-standard for women, or so I’ve gathered.

 

And the list goes on and it’s just discouraging to me. I mean, come on, I may not be the stereotypical girly-girl but I’m definitely…woman-ish.

I like pedicures, and makeup, and, and, and naked pictures of the opposite sex!

Oh wait… can I count that one? Whatever, I’m counting that one, dammit. There is lots of other stuff too. Like Hallmark commercials, ok. Those make me get a bit cynic but ALSO teary. And the movie Truly, Madly, Deeply is one of my favorites- that HAS to be pretty damn feminine, right??

 

However, it’s not just relationship conferences where this comes up. Several years ago a friend sent a link to my honey and me, telling us to take a gender test. Supposedly, based on your answers , this test could predict if you were a man or a woman.  My darling man scored as a man…just barely, and they weren’t feeling really confident about their guess. As for me, SparkLife says I am                                              A Man!

Compared to others…

8% more male than you — 3% like you — 89% more female than you

How do we know? Well, deep down, your gender affects everything about you, from your favorite number to your views on Canada. Many men who took the test think and act just like you, as you can see from the graph above.

Statistically speaking, you are a man—whether you know it or not.

Isn’t that fun? It’s actually a slightly more feminine outcome than I got the first time a couple years ago, when only 5% of men were more male than me… FIVE PERCENT!!!

It is, on the other hand, a stupid internet test and I for one refuse to put any store by it. I am content with my own style of life and it works for me so I don’t particularly care, I just think they ought to fix their stupid test.

The way this topic came up today though, was that we were discussing the difference between being a bitch and being a dick… again. Some time ago when I was being… difficult, shall we say, my beloved man said to me, “Would you stop being such a dick!” I asked whether he’d misspoken and meant I should stop being bitchy but he said no, there was a difference and I was definitely being a dick(I was in fact being SOMETHING, whether dick or bitch, so I took myself away til I was sorted). I had thought my genitalia, being internal, was ample protection against such claims but not according to him. It has come up a couple times since then in more theoretical terms.

I’ve also asked another man about this and he agreed there was indeed a difference between a bitch move and a dick move and chromosomal denomination was immaterial.

Looking online was little assistance, and my own background, being extraordinarily conservative,  leaves me a cursing-as-a-foreign-language student. This is why I am here posting about this topic. I’m taking an informal opinion poll, so please tell me what you think.

What exactly constitutes being a dick, and what constitutes being a bitch?

Can either gender engage in both?

To post, or not to post, that is the question:

I signed up for this WordPress blog back in July of 2008. Back then Bitchy Jones was still blogging, as was Elizabeth (another of my favorites), and Tom Allen was posting shots of his ass (wooo hooo!  it was a good time to be lurking kinky blogs).

I was only lurking though, not commenting. I claimed my spot thinking I might want to de-cloak at some point but…

though I periodically stuck something up here on the blog, I would inevitably reconsider, remove it, and the page would be empty again.

Then in about June of 2010 I was fed up with the amount of sorting I had to do to find the porn I wanted so I started my Tumblr.

After about 6 months of that, and being told repeatedly that I should start blogging, I did indeed start posting again in 2011,  still without really knowing exactly what I wanted to say.

As you may be able to tell from the numbers, right around the time I started interviewing submissive men (June, 2011) some people started looking at this blog. I have no idea what average blog traffic is, or how mine stacks up, don’t really care either, but my point is this—

letting other people do the talking suits me really nicely and it seems to make other people happy too!

I had 23 men agree to let me interview them and I am hoping for at least that many women. Soooo, gals, if you are willing, my email is listed on the Help Wanted page, send me a line.

Oh, and also,

chastity.

Chastity, cock cage, teasing and denial.

Pardon my non sequiturs, I am conducting an experiment.

Those seem to the recurrent themes on my highest rated posts, a phenomenon others have observed as well. So, ya know, I’m just checking.  Orgasm control, orgasm denial.

Ok,  I think I’m done now.

OMG, I just spammed my own post. Sigh, oh the things I do for empirical research.

fine whine and fine porn

I’ve gotten some replies to my invitation for interviews (thank you!) and several of the emails mentioned my Tumblr blog and were quite complimentary.

It was a nice little pick-me-up as I’ve been finding Tumblr feels more like work here lately. I end up scrolling through endless pages of icy dominatrix stares, mountains of bewbies, and far more vajayjay than any straight woman ever wants to encounter. Just to find a little buried treasure here and there.

It is clearly time to discontinue following some Tumblrs and find some new choices.

Anyway, it was nice to hear from some gals that they appreciate the way I curate my collection. The truth is though, that my reasons for it are almost entirely selfish. I post what turns me on and I love having a pile of sexy photos in one place that I know will work for me when I want some… visual stimuli. However, it is intensely gratifying to know that other people are enjoying it too.

I need more good tumblrs to follow though, so if you have some favorites, share!

 

Let’s just wing that muthah!

I just read Dumb Domme, Ferns, and Peroxide discussing how they plan their posts.

They all write stuff, and plan stuff, and generally seem to be more purposeful and organized. Frankly, I’m rather impressed.

The only time I’ve had posts planned was when I was interviewing sub guys or working on a discussion group. It’s not that I CAN’T be organized, it’s just that it is not my forte.  Probably if I got better organized and gave myself time to review and edit my posts rather than only ever sitting down on the spur of the moment to commune with the cursor in the distracted state I usually occupy I would write better.

For example, that sentence above probably could use an edit.

However, one of the reasons I tend to do this in a stream of consciousness way (not too much forethought and precious little editing) is that if I think about it too much, or consider very deeply what I am about to publish… I delete it.

What is the opposite of an exhibitionist? That is what I am, mostly. I hesitate to say too much, show too much, and feel very exposed whenever I talk about my own stuff.  I really vastly prefer talking about everyone else, or at least, giving them the opportunity to talk about themselves. My favorite guest posters have gone and started their own blogs though, so I guess I’m out of luck there.

Soon though, I hope to have some interviews with dominant women. I am still in the process of devising the questions so if there are questions you would like to see included, please let me know in the comment section or via email, dishevelleddomina@gmail.com

 

Finally, since we all know of these guys, I thought I would share this graphic with you.

 

We now return to our regularly scheduled drivel.

There was a brief interruption of service and I don’t know how that all finally shakes out but here I am, and there you are, and here in the digital hinterlands we can hang out together.

So tell me, dominant women, submissive men (or people with related tastes and interests who claim different titles or refuse titles altogether),

what are your favorite things about the things you get up to (or wish you were getting up to)?

Here is a little quote I read recently and this is what I’m talking about…

I love the way you balance the line between the pain and pleasure.  I know that the snap and sting of the rubber band is coming.. and it does, but then you give out the nicest rewards, the lick or comforting rub or squeeze.  You rub it away and then start again and the balance is just perfect. And the glint in your eye and the giggle when you watch me writhe after the snap is priceless.  I love the pure and unadulterated enjoyment that my submission to that gives you.  I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

Also, dominant women or women vaguely interested in running the show sexually, I am thinking of doing a series of interviews similar to the series I did with submissive men.  If you are willing to participate please email me at dishevelleddominaatgmaildotcom. Thanks!